when ava was born, i noticed a common theme in the parenting magazines and websites and books: how to not become overwhelmed by volunteer requests. or more bluntly, how to say "no."

i thought, well, of course -- that does not seem so hard.

ha.

the other day, at 9 pm, as i collapsed in a chair having finally secured sleep states in all 3 kids, i looked at my clothes and realized that i had been wearing them for 36 hours straight. (living in the north country, you can get away with this by throwing snowpants and a fleece over whatever you have on. you need the outerwear, and no one can see what is your base layer, and hopefully, the water resistant material contains any unsavory aroma). this was due to a volunteer marathon at the 2010 empire state winter games. now, it certainly was hard work, and i would have preferred a chance at a shower, but saying "no" to volunteering really was not an option. this is our skating club's responsibility, and since our family has a vested interest in the club's success, i can't see how insisting on "me" time would benefit anyone. same goes for volunteering at the school. it is exhausting, but they simply don't have the human resources to make it all happen at a level of excellence. and basically, i would like my kid's experience to be the best it can be--if i can help make that happen, i will. i think most parents (or those parents for whom those articles are written) feel the same way. in other words, if you are a parent, and if you have a moment to spare, you generally are going to maximize your kid's life at your own personal expense. not always, but the effort is there. the articles explaining how to say no tend to gloss over that fact or blame some sort of external guilt factor. but (i think) the guilt comes from inside--not because some external parenting standard is forcing parents to slog through work they don't want to do, but because as a parent, you can never really stop trying to improve your kid's life--there is no limit on that, and so one exhausts themselves going for broke--whether that is improving it financially, emotionally, physically, or mentally.

now, of course, even my choice to volunteer all weekend came at an expense for the kids, particularly nutritionally -- it left no time to cook, so we ate a LOT of chicken tenders from price chopper. so, it is a personal choice too--i weighed the options and decided that a successful skating club and tight community were far more important than organic meals for a few days.

and also, i know the argument that a happy mom makes for a better mom, and so one has to take care of one's self. however, what is not addressed is that sometimes self sacrifice can make a person very happy. i was exhausted, filthy, emotionally spent (parents and coaches of competitive skaters can be very high strung), and waaaay behind in the housework, but we all had a great time. the point is, i was happy, and thus we were better off. it all lies in the definition of what brings happiness or contentment or satisfaction.

which segues into another parenting realization i had the other day. when i became a parent i had a vision of how i wanted our family life to be. and it was a lot more crunchy and artsy than our current life. i spent a long time (years) agonizing over the fact that our life did not match the one i envisioned and witnessed in blogs and books and magazines (those darn media sources!). it seemed that everyone was knitting and sewing and crafting up a storm of clothes and toys and books and projects and cooking amazing meals that somehow their little kids actually ate and their houses were not only clean but practically works of art, and they all hung out and learned together and no one ever complained...

when ava was little, i had it sort of under control--we did a lot more of the sort of artsy creative outdoorsy all natural tactile hands on learning that i loved, but then school and skating and everything else began.

and then our life seemed to have no time for those things--we have a grueling schedule of athletic activities, and very little time to set up projects or go hiking or learn how to knit--and i started to feel like i was losing control of my vision. and i started to feel like i was somehow failing to parent in the way that i wanted to parent. but then i watched ava with her skating peers and realized something. the parenting that i wanted to do was an effort to create the sort of environment that I like. but blindly creating the sort of environment that i prefer, and judging all other environments as somehow not being good enough is just as much a failure, if not more of one. ava and carter (and eventually anna) have their own preferences. if that means we spend hours at the rink and oval (speed skating) and mountain, with bags and bags of gear, eating on the fly, and very little time for anything else, well, that is the life we have. this is what the kids like to do, this is what they respond to. i finally recognized that i had to suspend my judgements and opinions that were creating major anxiety in me and let the individualism of the kids guide me instead of trying to stuff them into some preconceived mold of the perfect childhood.

this is not easy. but it is ultimately a lot easier than spending hours anxiety-ridden over perceived failure. what we have is good. it is not how i would live, if i were on my own, and thus a bit more of a challenge to rise to, but it is still working. and that is what i finally was able to see. it doesn't mean that i have to relinquish all control, but it means that i can let go of the angst over not going apple-picking this fall. no, we missed that nod to the season and that wonderful opportunity to get outside, but we did a lot of other things that moved us forward in life. perhaps that is what the parenting magazines and books should focus upon--instead of constantly exhorting parents to "take time for themselves," which can end up being just as stressful as any other aspect of parenting (how? what should i do for myself? when? what do i sacrifice so i have this 'time'?), they should acknowledge first that parents might actually want to put their energy into parenting and that it is not incompatible with doing something for themselves -- that for some, parenting IS taking time for themselves. and second, that one can amend notions of good parenting. letting the kid's lives guide (not dictate) parents might result in the adults learning a lot more about life than what might have occurred if the adults insist upon doing it their way.

whoa. weeks and weeks of illness here. yikes. most of it just high fevers. very high--104. each child had it, ava had it for the longest though--7 days straight. plus another week of getting her strength back. and it is not entirely back, she has been complaining of earaches for the last few days. no one is exactly "right" yet. i have had very little sleep. there is nothing to describe what it is like to be up all night with a rotating parade of sick kids. just when you get one back to sleep and think that you might be able to shut your eyes for an hour..."mom?"

i cannot say that i always had a patient and nurturing response.

but, we have read a lot of books--notably, the lemony snickett books-- "a series of unfortunate event". ava LOVES these books. i had no idea what to expect, but wow, they are positively morbid. but hysterical and very good at calling out the grown ups on their irrational behavior, something a six-year old certainly appreciates. for those who are not familiar, they are about 3 orphans who go through -- you guessed it -- a series of unfortunate events. very unfortunate. but the age structure of these kids is very similar to that of our family--there is an older girl, violet, who loves to tinker and invent things. then there is a boy (klaus) 2 years younger than violet who loves to read. and then there is a baby of about one year. the other day, we were all sitting around the table, and ava was building something -- actually dismantling something with the intention of building something -- and carter was reading something, and anna was playing with something and ava said "hey! we are just like the kids in our books!" that was great.

her reading is also progressing nicely, and she is finally confident enough to pick up some books and read by herself. she did that last night. problem is, she does not always want to read picture books. generally she never wants to read picture books. but then all of the books she wants to read are too advanced. it is very difficult to find books that are interesting enough to her but easy enough to read.

however, it looks like she is happy to read to anna, so that might get us over this little gap in desire and ability. i am just pleased that she is past refusing to read because anna karenina was not accessible to her.

last weekend we went to a ski race at the local hill. it was a crazy steep course, and unbeknownst to me, it began on a huge ramp that sent the kids utterly flying down the hill. carter managed to come in 2nd in his age group and ava came in 3rd. this was both terrific and very hard for ava. good lesson, but it took all of her self control to lose graciously. not that she really lost, but in her mind she did. carter could not have been prouder. he was SO excited to be on the podium, finally. i think he really did not believe that the medal was his and not ava's. and then, at the end, to the surprise of all, he got a trophy for being the youngest competitor. (even more of a challenge for ava). i swear, he would sleep with the thing, if he could. he took it to school on monday and presented it to every single person that walked in the door.

you can bet though that when dad asked ava if she wanted to go practice ski racing, she practically jumped through the door.

i suppose competitiveness is a good quality, but it sure comes with its challenges.

as for me, i think i am going to have a nervous breakdown by the time ava is 8, if we keep competing at this pace. i cannot stand it--it is bad enough to watch her go out on the ice, but to stand at the bottom of the ski hill while your son is flying down -- and you are completely without any control -- is very very hard.