i think i have officially lost my mind, somewhere in the depths of mommyland. tonight, after putting the kids to bed, which entails being with them until they are both asleep--generally nursing cater, i put down my book, looked around at carter, made sure he was comfortable, went over to ava, removed the books strewn around her and tucked her in, then i turned to the doll--THE DOLL!--and straightened HER blanket and pillow. at least i did not bend over and kiss her goodnight.

we are now on our 3rd caterpillar. or paterpillar, if you prefer. it will be a miracle if any monarch butterflies emerge this year.

carter's birthday is approaching, and i have absolutely NO idea what i am going to do. i am birthdayed out. bad sign. bad precedent. must swing into gear and pull out all the stops!

ava is slipping into defiant mode. it is her new way of asserting herself. not that she was ot defiant before, but it was immature defiance--screaming, kicking, tantruming--you know, the terrible twos. this is new. this is the tenacious threes. this is the silent stubborn stares. this is truly awful. "ava, say thank you" stare...stare...chew lip...look at ceiling...stare...stare...stare..."ava, you need to say thank you" stare...stare...stare and on and on. so, we left. you don't say thank you, you forfeit the thing you are supposed to say thank you for. but it is so exhausting to have such a face off. i refuse to get mad though. well, that is not true. i refuse to display anger, even though i am technically mad.