well, today was the first day of school for carter. technically not really school, because it was just visiting day. he did not understand that, so after we had been there 1/2 hour, her said "mommy? when is school going to start?" i explained what the day was meant to be, and then told him to ask his teacher about circle time, and when that would be.

the very fact that he wants circle time is pretty fabulous though, since he spent the last 2 years resisting it when it was ava's class, or whenever there was any structure in any of his activities. at tumbling, he refused to sit and listen, and at soccer, he continues to refuse to do anything that the coach instructs them to do. not to mention his own particular brand of stubborn that he has patented here at home. (stubborn with a nice dose of sweetness and politeness...you barely realize that he has said "no" until he has disappeared). so i was a little worried about the structure of school. but it seems like he is ready to go. and none too soon, either, since ava's departure has completely shaken his entire existence into something unrecognizable. he is slowly adjusting, but it is remarkable how much she anchored his day. even things that he usually loves doing, he morosely declines--like play dough, etc. my only option is to keep him doing things out of the house.

now that he also has school, he is starting to feel a little better. though the problem is that he misses her so much during the day, and then when she comes home, she focuses upon the kitten, and not him, and he then acts out towards her. i tried explaining to her that he is feeling sad that she is gone so much and is not playing with him, and so he is getting mad at her, and she sort of got it. a little. but she does not have a lot of forgiveness in her when he hits her on the head with a book...

i have been packing both of them lunches, in their lunchboxes, and today, we had to take carter's bookbag, notebook, 2 books, and his lunch to school. and at school, he absolutely insisted upon eating it. so this is going to be a challenge--getting him on board with the school snack, vs. his lunch box.

as for ava, she is adjusting. some is good, some is not so good. she seems to come home with lots of good things to say, but every night, as she is tucking in, then the issues emerge. they tend to be of either the "adjusting to having to exist with people she would not otherwise engage with" or the "everyone else is better at xyz than i am..." --as for the former, we have been talking about how to deal with that, since as we all know, such is life, and as for the latter, i have been taking that with a grain of salt. for example, last night she lamented that everyone is older than she is, and that everyone can read. as we talked, this statement of fact was adjusted and whittled down to the reality: one child in her class of 9 can read.

this is not new. everything she does, she is enthusiastic about, but then, lest she invest too much in her effort, she will suddenly get self depricating. for example--soccer: "we played tag, and monkey in the middle and this and that and i learned how to do this and see, watch this..." then, about 15 minutes later, "mom, soccer is no fun. i NEVER get a goal." she will do it with art, music, and everything else. it is so hard. because if i protest and say the obvious, she gets mad, and i certainly am not going to agree with her. so i just listen.

i think i will not have any clue as to how school really is for at least a month, if not more.