What a summer. I swear, I think I am just going to keel over in exhaustion. And the interesting thing is, I am fairly certain that having an infant is not really the issue. Well, certainly lugging the car seat (occupied by a nearly 20 lb baby) in the crook of my arm makes things a tad more cumbersome, I will admit. I could get a stroller that the car seat snaps into, but then what to do about the flight of stairs that leads to our front door? Adding the step of bringing a stroller down and then returning upstairs to bring down the baby and bags and other children in order to make things easier seems a bit silly. Anyway, as I was saying, the exhaustion principally stems from entertaining and educating my older kids. First, there is the sheer number of activities that we manage to squeeze in each day, but even more to the point, it is the sheer mental engagement that this requires. From the minute they wake up (somewhere between 3 and 5), to the moment the last one has fallen asleep (8:30ish), it is a nonstop deluge of needs, great and small. It is not just getting them fed and dressed and chores done, which is of course massively time consuming, but it is the answering of probably 20,000 questions (most commonly asked at the same time as the other child), mediating disputes and mitigating disappointments that eventually shorts out the mommy brain. For example, in one minute of a 15 minute car ride, the 2 kids that are currently masters of the English language can manage to request drinks, food, a particular story, no not that one the other one, ask a series of questions about how skyscrapers are built, answer those questions for their younger brother, tick off their younger brother who wanted mommy to answer that and who is then crying but still needs his water, but also dropped his toy, and is yoda the little green man or the little blue and grey robot and yes mom I understand that I should not interrupt carter, but it’s just that we talked about skyscrapers in school and how much homework am I going to have, carter! If you want to go to the beach you should not whine, yes mom, I know I am not the mom—but he IS whining.

But, we are certainly a little unit of chatter, and the summer has helped the relationships—sometimes in a challenging way, but often for the best. Ava and Carter are much closer, though they still battle—their relationship is one of constant admiration and consummate irritation. Of course everyone is in love with Anna, and I feel like I have sort of figured them out a bit. Which does not make things easier in the immediate present (having a perfectionist is just very difficult, even if you know she is a perfectionist), but will help me make better decisions, I hope.

Carter is thrilled to be four—two days after his birthday, he said “mommy? Am I still 4?” He was very relieved to hear that indeed he was. He has always been good at engrossing himself in things, be it books or a story or his toys, but this summer he has taken it to new heights. He is now that child who walks down the sidewalk while reading his new favorite book. He has to take his toys with him everywhere, and after Ava, who really never did toys, this is a novelty. He can be immeasurably sweet, and turn around and snarl at someone how looks at him the wrong way. His pride is very easily wounded (unlike his forehead), and he protects it carefully. He cannot stand hurting himself in front of others, and recently I realized that he is genuinely a bit shy. That sounds impossible to believe, but I think growing older has made him aware of social structures and there are certain situations in which he so desperately wants to be welcomed and admired and accepted that he will avoid them other than risk rejection. Or, more damaging, he will act out in a pseudo-aggressive posturing way in order to establish an aura of not caring about acceptance. When people ignore this and engage him, it all gets dropped. If people react poorly, it gets magnified. But, when he makes a mistake and the tough guy routine is no longer posturing and actually has an impact, he will always apologize. Sometimes he is prompted, sometimes he does it spontaneously. Not only that, he can analyze a lot of his behavior and tell me exactly why he did something or what he was feeling. He will say that he missed me because he is afraid that I might never come back, he will explain why something made him mad, and he can easily tell you if he is afraid of something and why.

Ava does not do that. She feels her emotions and experiences and immediately translates them into her body—they completely circumvent her thinking mind. Which is interesting because she is such a thinker in other respects. But when it comes to issues involving her self, she simply does not articulate what is going on. Not to me and more importantly not to herself. And she definitely does not want anyone else to do so either. So, issues with her tend to be very frustrating, because one feels that there is no conscious resolution. But if I can let go of that need, they do resolve. But those who know me well will know that that is a VERY difficult thing for me to do. And then of course there is the fact that she will simply not leave me alone. Ever. Even if things are not copacetic between us and it would be better for all involved for her to go take a breather, she will not. And those who know me well also know that this is also extremely difficult for me. Tonight, after a very long complicated day for us, things were winding down, and I just wanted a few minutes to read something on the computer. Ava was the only one awake, and we were about to play Othello. I said, “just give me a moment to take a breath and read this, and I will be right with you”…and she said “ok” and (I am not exaggerating) walked into the next room, turned around, and walked back. Thank god it had some humor in it, or I think I might have imploded.

And Anna just smiles and laughs.