so i mentioned reading the book "the mommy wars" a few posts ago. and i guess i should comment. no time to do a long review/analysis etc., but it elicited such a strong reaction in me i figured i should at least try to sort it out, if only to get it clear in my own head. and perhaps to get others thinking. though i would bet that this is a topic that many many many mothers and women are thinking about, and need very little prodding.



so, for those not familiar with the book, it is basically a compilations of reflections on motherhood and working or not working. stay at home moms and working moms basically defend their choices. and it starts out by noting the divisiveness and anger and, well, basically, war between these 2 apparent factions. the essays were well written, and some made some very interesting and pertinent points, and for that theyare worth reading. however, the book itself made me so very very upset and frankly, angry, at its editor.

are the mommy wars for real? well, if you read this, you conclude yes, they are. and i don't doubt for a minute that there are a lot more women who can write without flinching that moms who stay home aren't working, are abandoning feminism, are lazy, etc., or that moms who work are selfish, abandoning their children, etc. however, right off the bat there are 2 things that bugged me. first, all of the essays were written by a sub group of women--not only were these professional women, but they were professional women primarily in one industry: publishing/writing. this is NOT representative of the population of mothers in this country. second, most of the essays did not actually point a finger at other mothers. some did, to be sure, but most of them reflected on the abysmal lack of support for mothers in the US. which is a FAR more important thing to write a book about.

basically, i felt like this mother capitalized on the struggle of feminism, saw an easy cash opportunity--sensationalist title! touches a nerve! compilation of essays! (read: delegate much of the work to others)--and she took an issue pretty much already fabricated by the media and rubbed salt in a wound that would not necessarily have been there. she made sure that if mothers weren't insecure and exhausted enough, she would make sure that they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, in addition to all of the struggles of being a parent, all of the conflicting information, all of the lack of support, there is something else to worry about: other mothers hate you. mothers that did not make the choices you made, and even mothers that did make the choices you made. it was like high school all over again.

and after i finished it, i thought, hmmmm....of all of the mothers i know, very very few fall exactly into one camp or the other, and very very few (if any) have ever made a judgment against another mother for her choices regarding working. if anything, the most vitriolic judgments have had nothing to do with working and everything to do with parenting choices (breastfeeding, tv, family bed, etc).

to write this book and to force me to wonder if other mothers hated me because i was a stay at home mom (wait...what am i? i work, but at night, i stay at home, the kids don't go to day care, and rarely have babysitters, but i still am trying to maintain a career, so am i a working mom or a stay at home mom? i have a feeling that this describes a lot of mothers--not my exact scenario, but a mish mash of the sorts of categorical extremes presented in this book), to add yet another layer of complexity to the very conflicting evolution of feminism---a layer that is not really necessary--just for what appears to be the sake of personal gain as well as the fun of stirring the pot a little, is irresponsible. but, there are a lot of irresponsible people out there that like to stir it up a bit, cause trouble, get people all riled up. create a bit of a drama. i am personally very familiar with this tendency in people, and it all revolves around one thing: immaturity.

and i am really really sick of people capitalizing on feminism to make a buck.

this woman could have put the same amount of effort that writing (editing) this book took and directed it towards actually resolving a real issue. how about writing a book about child care and how to change it? then perhaps this bad mommy/good mommy thing might be revealed for what it is--an artifact, created by society.

or, how about looking at the state of feminism in the rest of the world? not looking so great in many places.

what this does is directs attention away from the real issues. it is so easy to feign interest and concern for an issue when it appears that one can gain from further division. it is not limited to feminism, but that seems to be an easy one for people to latch on to.

i have a lot more to say, but am too tired. but one last thing--a lot of these essays did actually state this. that is why it ultimately is something i am glad that i read. and a lot of the essays made very practical and pointed observations that refuted the original hypothesis of the author. to her credit she did amend that hypothesis at the end of the book, stating that the mommy wars are within us, and are created by our own personal guilt, but still. that assumes i am manifesting my own self loathing onto other mothers. which i don't do. i don't have guilt about being the mother i am. what i have is exhaustion. but that is boring: "the mommy snores: essays about very tired mothers". nope, not a runaway best seller...