i don't know if many kids do this, but anna is definitely going to crawl before she can sit up. every last bit of mental and physical effort is going into this goal, to the point that she is practically doing it in her sleep.

oh, and i highly recommend going through old archives (in my case of personal journals, etc) and tossing nearly everything. i saved accounts of special times in my life -- travel and so on -- as well as my class notes; and was ruthless with the rest. none of it was terribly interesting, and most of it was really depressing. to get rid of reams of paper that i have been carting around for years felt GREAT. it is an extremely effective exercise.

ava jumped her first crossrail on sunday. we have a picture of her, in nearly perfect 2-point position, on this HUGE horse jumping over a teeny tiny 6" jump. her face is practically exploding with a smile.

she is really good at riding. sigh.

anna is working very very hard on crawling. when naked, and not encumbered by a humongous diaper, she actually can inch her knees forward, but then her center of gravity is too far forward and she is unable to pick up a hand. or, she can pick up a hand and place it further forward, but she just cannot summon the abdominal strength to draw her knee up from such an extended position. she has considered sitting up, but is simply too top heavy. the operative word would be "timber!"

i cut carter's hair this morning. he looks fabulous. it took me 2 hours. at the end we had such a pile on the floor that it looked like a new cat.

he is excelling in school--i can't believe how motivated he is to write. i need to get him a whole bunch of notebooks--suddenly the desire to conquer that small motor thing is kicking in. little circles everywhere!

i have never had a lot of posessions, and i have always tried to cull my belongings, due to a knowledge of the pleasure of simplicity, as well as to necessity. i have moved a lot in my life. however, there are some things that are easier for me to get rid of than others. easy: clothes. difficult: printed material. i have tackled all of our belongings recently, and dealt with all of it-- clothes, keepsakes, toys, gear, kitchen stuff (a remarkably large percentage of the total stuff), art supplies, gear, bathroom supplies, gear, artworks, and did i say gear? but i have avoided the boxes and boxes of books, and the boxes and boxes of paperwork from all of my schooling. i finally took a deep breath and started with the books. that was satisfying--we have bookshelves now, and with carefuul strategizing, i managed to fit all of them on the shelves -- each shelf has 2 rows. it was an interesting exercise in examining my history. i had to look at the various categories and decide what to keep and what to let go--reference/text books, cookbooks, nonfiction books that i had read, nonfiction books that i had read part of (many of the books from college fit into this category), nonfiction books that i had not yet read, fiction books that i had read, fand iction books that i had not yet read. when looking at the books in the not yet read category, it became very obvious that i should probably stop buying books and get to the ones that are waiting. i managed to get rid of a huge number of books that should not be part of my permanent collection, and in the process shed a bit of some wrong turns in my life. that may sound weird, but when i finally let go of an idea for a career that i might have had in 1994 and the books that went with it, it was a huge relief. kind of like 'wow. that was such a dumb idea, goodbye to that painful past existential crisis!'

of course it felt great. but i still had boxes and boxes of schoolwork. today, i started with that. it is of course interspersed with pages and pages of personal reflection, some of it very illuminating, a lot of it utterly pathetic -- i read a bit of it and cannot believe how preoccupied with certain things i was. and there is a lot of historical record of very very rough times in my life. i am so ambivalent about going through it, but i think i would be a lot better off. this definietly falls under the category of "A GIANT PROJECT" -- today i began by separating elementary/highschool/college--fairfield/college--columbia/post columbia/post-bac premed/post postbac premed. like i said, i had a lot of schooling, and managed to hold onto a great deal of the work involved. i set elementary aside--those original papers have a good bit of sentimental value in and of themselves, if anything because it demonstrates just how completely ridiculous my handwriting was. (of course, it still is). ava will benefit from seeing how much trouble i got in over that. then i had to decide where to start. i dread doing it, but i think i will just start at the beginning. high school.

i am fairly certain this will help me make a lot of sense of myself. Not that i have to do that--doing so seems pretty narcisistic, but it might be applicable in my role as a mom. I hope.

Moreover, it might be fun to see what I remember (Greek? Calculus? Art History? Literary Criticism? Latin?). I can assure you, I can still read greek--lowercase only, but definitely cannot translate it. A history of Modern Germany? Loved the class, could not tell you much about Bismarck anymore. Biology? Easy Peasy Lemon Squeezy, to quote Ava.

I would imagine that many many people are laughing (or at least chuckling) at my version of fun...

not feeling too great here in lake placid. mom is definitely struggling. hence the lack of posting...

but, to summarise the past few weeks:

ava cantered for the first time last weekend--she did not mean to at first, she was just trying to get her horse to trot, but he cantered instead. at the time she was practicing without stirrups. so she cantered without stirrups. just fine. of course, i missed it. apparently, the teacher was astonished and ava was ecstatic, so the did it again, this time on purpose and with stirrups. typical ava.

she started gymnastics. not sure if i mentioned that. adores it.

she started ballet. hated it. not going to happen. can't understand it.

school drop off is miserable for her, though she appears to be doing well once she is established in her room.

speaking of school, i am now on the education council (basically a school board). that makes 2 boards that i am a part of. huh. who would have thought? kids change everything.

carter is trying to figure out the world. the questions are relentless. we recently discussed infinity,though he is still processing that. he constantly wants to know how we know things. "how did you know where my school is? how do you know his/her/my name? how is this made? is this a machine? how do you know that?"

the other morning, he announced that he had dreamt about mountain climbing. i nearly dropped the plate i was holding, and said "i dreamt about mountain climbing too!" it was VERY weird.

he is very into counting. and adding. though he makes up his own rules. for him, 0+0= 1.

and he really wants too know why 5+5=10, not 11. or 3+3=6, not 5. so we have been doing lots of visual addition with legos. but he is struggling with the fact that the word/name for a quantity of something is different from the quantity itself. it is amazing what their brains have to confront.

and anna is singing now. it is very adorable.

anna is waving. i swear. people say hi, and she lifts her arm up and down. she also is desperately trying to crawl. she gets up on her hands and knees pretty easily these days, then does the back and forth rocking that looks like she is revving her engine. she does not yet have the strength to pick up a hand or knee, but she is working hard at it. she can definitely move backwards and in a circle on her tummy. i took her to the opthamologist in burlington on monday, and she got an a+ for visual development, so that means the hemangioma has not pressed on her eyelid, which is great. she did have her eyes dilated, and that was pretty interesting. she kept looking at me with this puzzled look on her face, like "what in the world is going on?? i see you, i think, but i am not sure..." and she would wave her hands in front of her, trying to get a handle on the blurs of color and movement.

ava has got an incredible schedule these days. i almost referred to her skating as her "skating career" -- but i stopped myself just in time. she is very excited about it though. she has a locker in the big girl's locker room, she has a training notebook, and she is working hard on learning all of her jumps. the more structured, the better, which sort of is a no brainer for her. she is doing well in school, though every morning is a strain. she still cries when i leave. every day. i think this will go on for years. it kills me. i want her to love school, and i can't make that happen for her.

fall has arrived. it was 32 degrees this morning. we are planning to pick apples, pumpkins, and the cornmaze. when we are going to manage to do that, i have NO idea.

tomorrow, anna will be 6 months old. and she is more than ready to join the world--these days i walk around with her on my hip and her head swivels this way and that in a desperate attempt to see everything that i am doing, and if possible to grab it. her hands go out at everything. near, far, doesn't matter, she reaches to Get It! It is SO Interesting! Let Me Have It NOW!!

she is still pretty much happy go lucky,though she does finally understand that when i leave the room she can yell and i will return. she enjoys this power. she does not really want to be left alone these days, and while i can let her sit for reasonably long periods of time in her jumperoo, when she is ready to get out, she just starts yelling. not crying, just yelling. loud.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

at first she looks like she is enjoying the process of making the sound, but eventually her brow furrows and she stares at me, directing the force of her voice like a laser beam. but the best part is when i pick her up because she always, without fail, lunges into a huge snuggle into my shoulder and neck--she burrows her face in there and squeals and hugs with her arms and bounces with her legs and bottom. and then she looks up and makes eye contact, smiles and squeals. and that is another loud sound that she loves. it seems that her goal is to find the highest possible pitch to express her joy.

and then of course there is her laughter. she loves to laugh. peekaboo will guarantee it, as will a visit to the mirror. but many other things will get her going, and if another person is laughing, she will join in.

sound is basically something she loves. it is pretty much nonstop--either the aforementioned yells and squeals and screams, or mamamamamamamamama, dadadadadadadadadada, buh buh buh buh buh, ya ya ya ya ya ya , di dii di di di di di di,-- even when she is nursing, she tends to sing "mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm" -- which makes me think fondly of my friend jenny who liked to hum while she ate.

as for eating, she will not take anything off a spoon. i try at least once a day, and she just holds her tongue out and her mouth open in an expression of "ge iii oooo I ooonngguee oooww" -- (get it off my tongue now). but. she loves her little mesh bag that i can fill with fruit, and she even enjoys little pieces of cheerios. in fact, she loves that. i just don't get it. so, i am thinking perhaps we can just skip right over that pureed food part.

of course after eating all that fruit, she is a sticky mess, so we move on to her absolute favorite part of the day, her bath. she gets the prize for most enthusiastic bather. when we are in there, all she wants to do is float on her back and stretch waaaaay out, then kick a bit. she also enjoys splashing and floating on her tummy so that she can stick her face in the water, but really she tries to float on her back as much as possible--she will fling her head back into the water forcefully, and i have to be really prepared for it. it is a very weird thing for a baby to like. most kids desperately try to keep the back of their heads very clear of the water.

we went to the beach today, and she is now strong enough to lie on her tummy and plyy with the sand, which only made it into her mouth 2ce--she really adored spreading it around though--it was fascinating. and she is at the point where if you put her in the middle of the blanket she can squirm and wiggle all over it, often backwards, but sometimes forwards, always in a circle (like a clock). sometimes she even gets herself up on all fours which really makes her proud. she can sit unassisted for a few seconds, and for a long time with someone offering occasional support--she no longer just folds over in half. those stomach muscles are growing!

but truly, the thing that distinguishes anna is quite simply, her joy. the other kids were definitely always happy to see me, or others they knew, but she takes it to another level entirely. when you make eye contact with her, she explodes in a huge grin, so big you can see the muscles in her face straining, and she squeals and laughs and jumps and kicks. it is such a gift to have someone react to you that way. she basically constantly reiterates the phrase everyone needs to hear over and over "you are so loved by me! i adore you. life is so great to have brought you to me." and of course, one can't help but hold her tight and say the same thing to her. and i always add "thank you."

school is almost here...and i will once again be able to update this blog. holy cow, it is impossible to find the time. not to mention that the kid's sleep schedules have all suddenly divested themselves of any sense of harmony. ava suddenly decided that her body won't go to sleep before 9 pm. at least for 3 or 4 days, then she crashes hard at 7:30. but i am usually entertaining her until 9. then i have to run around and do the chores for getting ready for the next day, and get to bed around 10:30. then anna wakes up sometime around 11:30 or midnight and giggles for about 2 hours, and finally drifts off. then carter gets up at 5. it is not the way i envisioned getting one on one time with each of them.

anyway, this morning at 5:05, carter said to me as we sat on the couch and watched the lake placid village municipal vehicles do their job "mommy, do you remember those girls in the lake that were dressed up like watermelons?"

"watermelons?"

"yes"

"where?"

"in the water"

"when we were swimming yesterday?"

"yes"

"carter, i really think this was a dream"

at this he just looked at me, digesting this.

"i guess so"

"tell me what happened in your dream."

"well, i was swimming and i was having trouble getting out onto the dock and these watermelons came up and turned into these girls who helped me get out."

"they saved you?"

"yes"

at this point i was having a hard time not laughing at the image of bobbing lifeguard watermelon fairies, but managed to keep a straight face and we kept discussing dreams.

then he followed this surreal story with "mom, is mary everywhere, like god is?"

the stuff that goes on in his head is truly mindboggling. i love it.