i cannot wait for the farewell party that i am going to throw for the highchair. it appears to be about 6 to 12 months away, but i am already anticipating the happy day when it goes to live at the thrift store.

it is a wonderful highchair, technically. it is a fancy-schmancy highchair that does all sorts of tricks, has reclining abilities, multiple seat covers, and several trays that snap in, thus allowing you to remove dinner and serve dessert without having to wash inbetween. but it is IMPOSSIBLE to clean. and of course, with all those trays, and all those covers, you have more to clean. i have finally realized that this is a highchair made for people with live-in domestic help. there are nooks and crannys that resist cleaning with even a toothbrush, and the straps are a lost cause. so, i have given up. when carter finishes his meal, i haul out the vacuum, suck up all of his crumbs (very effective for any highchair), wipe it down as best i can, and try hard not to look at the food wedged in the buckle that i cannot get out. i have even put it in the shower to no avail. there are just too many corners and crevices. i figure any food stuck in there eventually will have to render itself inert, and with that, i can walk away from it.

carter had his tooth filled today, a relatively short (4 minute) procedure that was nonetheless not one of carter's favorite moments. he cried, but he did stay still, which was really great.

ava started ice-skating lessons yesterday. out with the old, in with the new. she is entranced by the figure skaters. to say that she worships them might be a little extreme, but not by much. and they absolutely fawn all over her. so, it is a win-win situation. unless of course you are her mother and are having a panic attack about having to figure out this mysterious world of figure skating. but i can do that. i think. sequins and i do not have a close relationship, but things can change. and she looks so darn cute out there.

today i went cross-country skiing with carter in tow in his little ski-sled pod. it was great until i realized that i had underestimated the distance of the loop, and that i should have turned around at 30 minutes rather than assume that i was half-way around. at that point i was only 1/3 of the way. carter slept, thank god, because i don't know what i would have done with a cranky toddler behind me for 1.5 hours. i think i could have walked the route faster. i am currently unable to walk, but have absolutely no guilt over sharing carter's mac-n-cheese.

ava has discovered the fine art of covering up the evidence. about 3 times today she managed to cause carter to cry (usually by trying to comb his hair), and each time it went something like this:

"ok, so. we are going to go like this...and thiiisss...and..."

"WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ok.ok.ok.ok. it's ok. ok. shhhhhhhh. ok.ok..."

"WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...MAMAMAAAAAAAAAAA"

"ok.ok.ok..shhhhhhh"

"what's going on?"

"carter's upset."

"i see that. why?"

"i don't know."

"perhaps it is because you were trying to comb his hair with a nail brush?"

"um, maybe, yeah, i guess so. sorry carter."

and he stops crying, she hugs him, and back into the couch and blanket fort they go.

they both had a painting-fest today. i finally gave up and just handed them jars of paint, and let them do whatever they wanted -- carter was in his highchair -- and they came up with some interesting ideas of how to make a 2 dimensional medium conform to a 3 dimensional vision. pretty impressive, until it all started sliding off the paper.

the bathtub water was incredible. i had to keep draining it until it ran clear. then they were allowed to get out.

we have started some chapter books with ava--stuart little, winnie the pooh, wind in the willows (waaay too difficult) and so on. they are really good for bedtime when the lights are low and i am nursing carter and dealing with a picture book is so cumbersome. we have done winnie the pooh for about 7 months now, but only each little vignette. now she is much better with carrying through with the plot. the turning point was "my father's dragon," a long-ish book that can be read in one or two sittings. it now makes her feel grown up to read the big-girl books, so she is more inclined to ask for them. but she still loves and needs the picture books, sincec she has them memorized, and she clearly gets a big boost from 'reading' along with me.

Written 2 days ago:

Today Ava, Carter and I went to Nana and Da’s house to retrieve some medical supplies that I needed to change Carter’s dressings, and while we were there we decided to raid their cabinets and play with all of their stuff (while the cat’s away…). First we couldn’t find the birdseed so we improvised with some of the whole grains in the pantry, which immediately brought results. Since I could only identify the chickadees, we then consulted the bird books and discovered that we had a slate colored junco (I think) and a red-breasted nuthatch. They all like flaxseed.
This piqued Ava’s interest, and she spent a long time flipping through the other field guides. There is one of mammals, and so she asked me what a mammal was and I told her that mammals nursed their babies (I left it at that), and she was so intrigued. Each animal that she found in it was scrutinized: “Mommy, are skunks mammals?” “yup!” “are dolphins mammals?” “uh-huh” “are caterpillars mammals?” “no, honey, that is the butterfly book.” And then when she was finished with that, and Carter was finished talking to the birds through the glass, they both retired to Nana’s room where they set up an entire play area and then shut the door. I opened it, and Ava said “Mom, we’re playing. We’re FINE. Don’t worry. We’re ok and we’re having a good time. I’m helping Carter play.”

And then she shut the door.

I stood there, flabbergasted, then slowly opened the door (afraid to jostle the confluence of energy in the universe that brought this event to being) and said, “thank you Ava. You guys are doing great, but I need the door open so that I can help if something goes wrong. I won’t bother you though.” That was the understatement of the century. She allowed the door to remain open, and I stood in the kitchen, completely at a loss. Do I sit down? Dare I sit down? Wouldn’t that ensure the end of this good fortune? I compromised. I stayed on my feet, but I read a magazine at the counter and drank a cup of tea. Sweet solitude.

Written January 20 (really today):

Carter’s hands are getting better. I know that I have not written about it, but it has just been too much to do so. His left hand is nearly completely healed, though the new skin is still tender and he prefers to have a sock over it. But there is no bandage as of this evening and no medicine, only cream to keep it moisturized. His right hand continues to need bacitracin and gauze, though only on the part of his palm just under his fingers. Soon that hand will be gauze-less as well. One of his new favorite words is “hush” – in a whisper a la Goodnight Moon. It is good for the library where today he got so excited he just started screaming. At everything. The fish, the books, the toys, everything.

Ava is such a grown-up trapped in a 3-year-old body (and limbic system). Today she asked which pipe her food went down. So I told her. Then she asked a bit about the trachea, and then she paused and said, “so what goes in these?” With that, she pointed to her jugular. I stared at her, wondering how in the world she knew that there was something there that was a ‘pipe’—is it just intuition? To be able to feel that there is movement of some substance in the side of your neck? Do you know that it is there because it is so crucial? That there is an innate need to protect it? HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT????? So bizarre. And amazing. After I finished telling her about blood going to and from her brain, and then a bit about her brain, she was satisfied. The brain is old hat though—we have had plenty of discussions about what your brain does. Usually begun with “Ava! Please! Think before you put something up your brother’s nose!”

i know i have not written. i have not felt like writing. i don't really want to right now. things have been quite difficult. but they are getting better.

navigating doctors and hospitals and pharmacies and so on is exhausting. emotionally and physically.

but, i am grateful they are there to be navigated.

three recent utterances from ava:

1. "ava! you are not the center of the universe!"

"yes i am."

2. "mommy, i don't want pasta tonight, because it hurts my feelings."

(further questioning revealed that she does not like it when it gets stuck in her throat, which is of course where you get a "lump" when you feel sad, so it sort of makes sense)

3. (after smacking her face into the table when she bent over in her chair) "i just did not see where my nose was going!"

all ava wants to do is cut, staple, tape, fold and tie the most intricate paper/thread/yarn/sticker creations. she has very little interest in drawing or collaging per se, but she sets about cutting and folding and adhereing paper into little envelopes and 'letters' and 'books' -- it is really very interesting. and today she wrapped yarn around 2 popsicle sticks for the first time, and you would have thought i had given her The World's Most Amazing Toy. she sat and wound yarn around popsicle sticks forever. and when she paints, she wants to put paint on the paper and then fold it so that she has the classic ink-blot effect. i am not sure what all this means, but it is very very curious to me. she gets SO absorbed in it.

i have been trying to do yoga these days, figuring the kids are old enough to wander around me while i bend and twist, but for some reason, carter cannot bear to have my head upside down. whenever i am in some sort of forward bend with my head near the floor and my bottom near the sky, he grabs the hair on the back of my head with 2 fists and yanks my head up as hard as he can. funny, but not so pleasant, and certainly not really very yoga-like. so, i stick to standing poses when he is about.

he is such a little boy now. it is hard to put into words, but it is as if he just gets the ins and outs of everyday life thoroughly. and he has figured out how to pull my pant leg to his desired destination. no words necessary, just yank on mom's pants.

fortunately, he still is using the potty, though certainly not exclusively.

and he LOVES beans and rice. which gives us ample opportunity to practice on the potty. bonus.