I have not posted much about Ava recently, and I was thinking about that last night. Not because I have not been devoting a tremendous amount of mental energy to her, that is for sure. But this year, first grade, has been so monumental in so many ways, I have probably been unconsciously overwhelmed by the idea of putting it all down. I will tell you, it is a LOT easier to chronicle the development of an infant than it is to chronicle that of a school-age child. The milestones are just as huge, but so much more abstract. Of course, reading is an easy one to take note of. And other academic skills. They are easily observed. And I have to say that the reading thing is terrific. The world is available to her now. Layers upon layers of new information is out there, and I am sure it makes her feel so much more in control of her life. But it is the other stuff that I am struggling to articulate--the growing up that she is doing emotionally. There is so much drama when you are a kid, and when it is your first child, you have no idea if this is normal or something to be concerned about or what. And the drama is very different as a child gets older and starts to adopt the mannerisms of a girl, vs a little girl. at 4 years, the posturing is exactly that. At almost 7, it is not posturing anymore. She is more worldly now, and it is reflected in her behavior. As a parent who strove to keep her protected from some not so nice truths about life and the world, this is very hard. I am no longer able to protect her from knowledge. Now my job is to guide her through that knowledge. This is a mental shift that I have found incredibly difficult. Notably because I have to constantly shift back and forth between my more mature daughter and my other 2 youngsters who are still blissfully unaware of so much. And of course, because it is Ava, her development is not following a normal trajectory. She is more mature and worldly, but she is also suddenly determined to be a kid. Or at least as much of a kid as she can allow--the other day we were at a garage sale, and there were Barbies for sale, and she said she wanted to get one, so we perused the selection. Everyone else has Barbies, you know. She was undecided, and struggling, and finally said "nah. i don't want one." -- then she went off to buy clothes and jewelry.

She is simultaneously strong and confident and fearful and subject to the opinions of others. She has her own opinions, style, and interests, and yet lets herself be guided by those she admires. She is an incredible girly girl, but prefers stories and displays of strength and power. She loves that skating sets her apart from her peers, and yet wants to be brought into the fold. She is a leader, but only in areas where she is certain that she knows exactly what to do. She is incredibly fragile, but no one would know it. And she hides it well, but she is very uncertain about how to navigate the social environment of her peers. I see her sizing it up, trying to figure it out, and struggling with the reality that it will take an effort that does not come naturally to her. However, when she does leap into the fray, she is successful.

I think she has spent so much of her 7 years being so serious and so intense and so easily sent to the stratosphere, that she is finally--finally! -- learning to let go and indulge herself in all sorts of dreams and imaginings. I let the kids watch The Chronicles of Narnia the other day (on a beautiful, sunny afternoon, no less) and I was so relieved that I did. I have suffered through a lot of angst over television and movies and so on, but this one (like Harry Potter) was different. True, it was somewhat violent and scary in places, but both kids can handle that now. But what the movie did was to completely transport her. Carter too, but that is nothing new. I was so excited to watch her become completely immersed in the story, with that visceral reaction that only some books and movies can generate. I could see how badly she wanted to be there, be one of those kids, have a bow and arrow and magical powers and adventure. I remember that feeling. I still get it when reading some books. It is a longing, a dream almost. It has sparked so much in her, a type of thinking and feeling that took a long time to emerge. It is a part of her mind and soul that she can retreat to, and draw strength from, and will only become more powerful and vast with the more reading and stories and wonder that she experiences.