we went to "Stars on Ice" last night. there was one show, 8 pm. 1 full hour after bedtime. but just 1 show, and we knew ava would love it and be motivated, to say the least. she gets a lot out of watching the older girls, so why not let her see a gold medalist?

so, i told her she could go if she took a nap. unbelievably, she did. and she made it through the whole show, and all the way home, finally falling asleep at 11:30. holy moly. carter finally collapsed at the show around 9:30, which i figured he would do.

and it was worth it--ava barely moved a muscle for the 1st hour. carter was equally thunderstruck, though he did get a case of the squirmies eventually. the show itself was pretty good, though i could do without the hyped up rock-n-roll uber-sexy numbers. it really is not necessary--the most compelling pieces were the classical traditional skating routines. lots of tremendous skating and jumping and, in the case of the couples, tossing and hoisting the women to ridiculously dangerous heights.

however, based on some of ava's feedback, i believe the last half was essentially a total blur for her. we could have easily left at the intermission, but she would not hear of it.

the funniest part of the whole thing was that this was the first time in 3 years that i have been out in the evening. when ava was little little she went to bed later and we did manage to take her to some musical events, but when she started going to bed at 7 (october 2004), that stopped. so, last night was really werid. usually, at 6 pm, we are doing the nightime dishes-bath-teeth-pick up-jammies routine, and last night we were left with an eerily quiet hour during which we just waited to leave--finally at 7 we started towards lake placid. and i felt SO WEIRD. here i was, leaving home, to go OUT, when i usually am curling up with the kids to put them to sleep. i cannot explain how disconcerting it was. completely foreign. like i was doing something i should not be doing. part of me really wanted to go back home. and i told that part of me to stop being ridiculous. but clearly having kids has allowed me to tap into that part of me that is perfectly happy snuggled up in bed or on the couch at the end of the day, letting the rest of the world go get their squirmies out. i never was much of a nightlife person--much to the dismay of a friend in san francisco, who after a long monologue about how she needed to get out and RAGE!, she looked at me and with an exasperated sigh said "you don't rage, do you?" and i said no. i never really saw the point. however, i do love to go out to dinner. and i adore going to places that have lots of comfy fancy couches and mellow music and fancy drinks where you sit down and have some sort of interesting conversation, and i love to get dressed up, but 1. those loungy-type places simply do not exist here, 2. i have to eat dinner for the rest of my life--there will be the opportunity eventually, and 3. i have no time to do the requsite maintenance to be able to dress up convincingly--how people find time to file their nails, i'll never know.

so, what it all boils down to is that i don't go out. and i am fine with that, knowing that fancy dinners are in my future eventually. but last night was a testament to the fact that i should probably go out at least a few times a year, just to make sure i don't forget how.

and it was so neat once we got into lake placid--it was all decorated for christmas, and we might as well have taken the kids to 5th avenue, they were so amazed. i know ava felt extra special. carter was simply bewildered.

and on a totally different topic, the words keep coming fast and furious out of him. it is like a faucet finally got dislodged. and curiously, he struggles to make the sounds in some words, but can make the same sounds in other words. so (with the exception of the hard "c") he can make letter sounds, but sometimes cannot do it in the midst of a long word. the best part about it? his frustration level has diminished significantly. thank god.

carter wanted to get out of the tub the other day, and i told him to stand up so that i could pick him up. i went to put my hands under his armpits and hoist him out (it is a very deep tub), and he suddenly scrunchd his shoulders up and urgently said "babi! babi! babi!" -- this is either baby or bambi, i have not discerned which since he says it when looking at bambi and he also refers to himself as such when he needs a snuggle in mom's lap--i loked at him and said "do you need your baby? bambi? and he shook his head, bent down, scooped up an imaginary baby or fawn, and held it in his arms, looked at me and said "BAAAAAAAbi."

then he handed me the precious cargo. i took it, and then proceeded to follow his verty strict instructions as to how to dry it and where to put it. when he was satisfied that i had taken care of it to his specifications, then and only then would he get out of the tub. after he was dry, he said "babi" and went to where it was resting in a chair, picked it up again, rocked it a little, bent over and gave it a kiss and then said "aaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwww." then he put it to bed.

earlier today, ava asked if we could look at dolly the dolphin from seaworld online. this lead us to youtube, which - as an aside- is great for entertaining kids provided there is strict adult supervision, and this of course led us to shamu, which triggered carter's memory, and suddenly created an obsession of monumental proportions. he wanted shamu RIGHT NOW. he would go to the window and say "shamu?" and then he picked up my cell phone and said "shamu?" -- what i wouldn't give for a phone call from 'shamu." and all day long, SHAMU SHAMU SHAMU SHAMU...even ava got exasperated and finally said "carter! we have to take a PLANE to see shamu. we cannot see him today...maybe in 6 days."

ava has been using colored pencils these days, and suddenly started chanelling marc chagall. it is really weird. and if she is not doing that, she is insisting on taking a perfectly square (this is where i come in) piece of paper and completely coloring it in with one color. the squares are large--6 x 6 for example--and it takes her a long time. and she usually has to do one for each person in the family, based on their favorite color. once it was circles--these were the flat inner circle of a paper plate that i had to cut out perfectly. and of course, the 3-dimensional obsession continues. the other day she wanted a bag made out of paper. or a basket--can't remember which. so, she asked me to help her construct one. i thought about it, then cut a cross out of a piece of 8x11 paper, sort of like the american red cross shape--then i folded the arms of the cross up to form a cube-ish shape without a top. then we stapled it and put a handle on it. she was ok with it, but she finally said "mom, i want it made like this--with this piece of paper here, and this here..." and she basically figured out how to construct a much larger bag with a piece of paper for each side. we were on our way out the door to go visit nana, so i told her that we would do it later. turns out, she recruited and directed nana in the effort, and she made a very large 8x8x11 bag/basket.

and the funniest part of all of this is that after spending HOURS completely absorbed in these art projects, when she is at school, she makes no effort--the teachers set up projects and she puts a gratuitous scribble or glues a token button on something and signs her name. i have no idea why, but i know they all think she has no interest in art.

the only thing that she clearly was interested in was a beading project in which she strung blue-dyed pasta on a string for a necklace. she told me on the way home that the teacher told her that she needed to use all of the colors, but that she only wanted blue. i can just imagine the standoff. since she came home with an all-blue necklace, i'm guessing the teacher backed down.

thanksgiving was a hit--relatively chaotic and in no way elegant, but we have established that ava really does like turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. so, i can add those to her repertoire. hallelujah. carter likes turkey and whipped cream. not together, but i'm sure he would not decline whipped cream no matter what it was paired with. his irish roots are emerging.

(i swear they passed an urn of whipped cream with the roast beef when i was in dublin. i think it was meant for the fruit salad, but it was on the same table.)

Carter's needs are technically simple, but sometimes, they just cannot be met. Sometimes it is just not feasible to let him wash the dishes NOW! and sometimes I just don't have any candy. Sometimes, there has already been too much sugar granted in one day and little children just have to get over the fact that there will be no more until tomorrow. Sometimes, I can't stand up and go with him to wherever he desires (there are some moments in the bathroom that are non-negotiable).

The needs may be simple, but when not met--holy moly look out. The crying and the whining would make even the most stoic dentist toss a bag of marshmallows at him. It takes nerves of steel to deal with it. And then, if reprimanded, he crumples his lip, whimpers, and points to his throat as if to say "but mom, i am SICK. i have a SORE THROAT." -- he as totally learned to capitalize on my sympathy. of course, i have no way of verifying if his throat is sore, but it is interesting that it is only sore when I tell him no. Or, in some more less-enlightened moments, when I snap "Carter! STOP WHINING!"

I am looking forward to the end of the toddler tantrums and the start of the preschooler defiance with great anticipation.

you know, i hate to admit to being a fan of pilsbury, because it flies in the face of the vaguely granola efforts to instill a sense of where our food comes from and that we should not rely on mass-marketed huge mega agriculture production machines for our sustenance, but my goodness, their ready-rolled pie crusts (conveniently in a sheath of plastic and cardboard), are FANTASTIC when it comes to kid-level pie making. 1. they taste good. carter attested to that ("mmmmmmm"). 2. NO FLOUR to deal with. thus no vacuuming or freaking out over the dark green chairs. 3. really really really good crusts. could not be improved upon, and that was seconded by grandma.

so, we spent a relatively mess-free morning making cherry pies. i ADORE cherry pie. and all i had to do was give each kid a crust, spoon some filling (canned)into the middle, help them fold it over, and bake it. voila. nearly as good as the mcdonald's version from the 80s.

and then, with that part over, i gave ava a bowl of heavy cream and a whisk and said "here. make whipped cream." -- would you believe that she did it? almost all the way at least. she whisked and whisked and whisked and whisked. at least 20 minutes.

i am going to task her with making our butter from now on. maybe open a creamery.

in other news, she had a great day at skating, did really well, remembered how much she likes it, passed the basic 3 skills, hooray. she was getting so lukewarm, but it was so hard to know if that was a phase. i am thinking it was a phase. my policy is to keep her going, but at a reduced pace when she gets like that, and honestly, i think the forced break due to illness made a difference.

carter and i had a great time while she was skating. CanAm (Canadian-American) Hockey tournaments are going on and they had a huge set up, including a 'goal' board that was divided into a tic-tac-toe set up that lit up in squares when you hit it with the puck--the idea being that one person wold shoot, hit one of the nine squares, then the next person would shoot, etc. carter tried to hit the puck with the hockey stick, got frustrated and resorted to hitting the goal board with the stick, much to the amusement of the staff. when ava was finished, she waltzed out, picked up a stick and sent the puck flying into the 'goal.' nice. left-handed too. she knew precisely what to do with that hockey stick. i asked how easily i could have one at home. they also had a video feed of the "miracle on ice" -- the 1980 US vs Russia hockey game for the gold -- Carter was frozen in amazement. Not only were there people on screen banging around into each other with sticks, on ice, but it was on a HUMONGOUS television. he thought heaven had just been delivered.

and tomorrow, he probably will be talking about hockey. every day, words words words. literally, it is like he just decided to do it. i know i have talked about that before, but it is so weird. it will be an interesting case study. please god, let this be the last time he makes us all jump through a series of bureaucratic hoops for no good reason. not that i did any of the jumping. the county did that for me. i, and many others, have just been doing the worrying.

if you spill a bag of potato chips into a sink full of water, they don't disintegrate. they reconstitute into potatoes.

if you are patient, and wait 3x the time the recipe calls for, you can get curds and whey on the first try at cheesemaking. after a day of separating the 2, we now have something resembling (in appearance and taste) ricotta. not bad. it is currently hanging in the refrigerator, draining the last of the whey, and hopefully forming itself into a little ball.

we all had dinner together--the whole family--this usually is 45 minutes of chaos, because it is a rarity and very exciting for the kids. but tonight, everyone stayed politely in their seats, no bickering over who gets to sit in daddy's lap, who gets to eat the meat that daddy cut (no one wants the meat i cut up), no spills, no whining, no poor behavior at all. not only that, but it was supplemented with efforts at politeness that went above and beyond the expectations--ava offered to get me a drink, a napkin, to give me some of her meat, asked if i had had enough, did i want her chair because it was so comfortable--on and on. earlier, she recognized that i was a bit stressed over carter's whining, and she took it upon herself to entertain him, take care of him, get him something to eat and so on--i looked at her and said "ava, thank you so much. that was very kind--to both of us." she beamed.

so that's good. perhaps i am going to succeed in my efforts to raise thoughtful kids.

because i was nearly pulling my hair out with carter today. he is a really great kid most days, but when not 100%, wowie. the world comes to an end and he is just devastated over everything. for example, the other night he was very very very angry that it was dark out. could he have picked anything harder to gloss over or distract from? i mean, we have windows. no hiding the inky darkness beyond them. and he was really upset. throw himself on the floor on his belly, arms over his head, cheek smushed into the floor "my life is over"-style.

today, he was just not wanting anything other than to wash dishes or nurse. washing dishes means a lot of towels, moving all danger out of the way, and no hope of doing anything in the kitchen for myself. sometimes it is really not convenient for the advancement of the family's daily agenda. i let him do it about 6 times, then i was out of towels (they are all frozen solid on our porch right now).

and nursing, well, my enthusiasm for it is a little diminished. i mean, i know he is sick, and so i should just plunk down and acquiesce, but there comes a moment, when after HOURS of it, you just say "no. sorry." and then he loses it. and then he looks at you with those eyes and the guilt. my god. so today, when that moment came, that is when ava, bless her soul, stepped in. (5 minutes after swatting him with a small stick, but whatever). i was so proud of her. she saw that he needed help, i needed help, and figured out the best way to accomplish that (string cheese).

she is learning. and learning fast. things upset her too, but her disappointment emerges less as anger and more as total disappointment, crumpled face, tears spring out of her eyeswithin 2 seconds of the offense. the world is also over for her but with a lot more sturm und drang--this cuts to the depths of her 4 year old soul, whereas with carter it is very much about trying to control the exterior of his existence. to be honest, the devastation that she exhibits is a lot easier to deal with--sympathy and hugs work. it is like the empathy switch got flicked a few months ago, and not only can she exhibit it, but she also NEEDS it. all kids need it, obviously, but carter does not recognize it when it is offered and when it helps him. ava does. and she appreciates it. in that regard, i am gaining new respect from her. for the last year, i had become something of a bore. now, i think she sees that perhaps i understand her.

this does not mean that she is an angel--oh no. but her behavior is getting easier to interpret and manage. and carters is getting more difficult to interpret and mollify. but one thing is certain. if he knows he has done something wrong, he will move heaven and earth to get to me and give me a kiss. and his kisses, snotty and smoochy, are just the best.

what a month. carter finallly is over the fever, but he is still coughing and oozing goo, but at least he is in better spirits most of the time.

the other day, it finally snowed. we got out of the car, and i set carter down in the middle of the faling snowflakes that were conveniently huge. they were tumbling out of the sky and he just stood there, looking up, hand out, mouth open, eyes wide, completely entranced, and then after a minute or so, he pointed, looked at me for a minute and in a voice overflowing with joy whispered "bubbles!"

and then he started to dance with them.

we went to the golf course where it accumulated, and the kids had a great time. the dog had an even better time, especially when she stumbled upon a gaggle of canada geese. she almost looked like she was a puppy again.

carter has suddenly decided to start adding words at a ridiculous pace--i cannot even keep up with them anymore. it is like he sat back, looked around, reflected on the past year and said "yup. i put them through enough. now i can start.." one of his favorites in 'bratwurst' -- and he actually does not really like bratwurst itself, but he refers to hot dogs as such. but he also really likes saying it--bratwurst bratwurst bratwurst...and the other day, when we went to visit the kitties at the humane society, when asked what he would name a specific kitten, he said "bratwurst!" -- now how funny would that be? ava attached herself to a little white kitty, and was determined to bring it home today, and i was not really sure how i was going to get out of there without it, but someone had claimed her by the time we arrived.

we have had plenty of projects over the last weeks, due to the fact that all other activities have been curtailled. one day we made crackers--rather good, if a bit soft, and we are now in the middle of trying to make 'farmer's cheese' -- just call me mrs. ingalls. it is actually sort of interesting. applesauce is a huge favorite too. that is really fun for them to send through the food mill. the other morning i set up a painting project with poster paint, but both kids were curiously not into it. they really do prefer watercolors. which is just fine, because that is much less of a mess. i find it odd though that they don't like the poster (and finger) paint. ava never even put a brush to it, preferring the glitter and glitter glue to anything else.

ava has suddenly cultivated an interest in fairies and elves and dragons and goblins and often you can find her over by the plants, conjuring up a new world. it is interesting, because a year ago, she had ZERO interest in the wee folk. and that was a problem at the waldorf school, since the fairies run everything there. but now i am making up stories a la the lord of the rings every time we are in the car.

carter continues to love vehicles. and now he suddenly is determined to be a part of every dishwashing event.

our halloween candy is still available in quantity, and both kids seem to be forgetting about it, which is good. i know i have not written about halloween. it was fun, and i will write more later. but i am seriously pooped. and the house is a mess.

carter is very sick. no time to write about anything. fever for 5 days now and tonight it wont go down w/ medicine. of course, it is friday. no dr office hours tomorrow...