More summer memories

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ah...summer is done...

Summer is over. Around here, it feels like it has been long over. (It is pretty darn chilly at night.) I wrote next to nothing this summer. It was CRAZY busy. We spent the month of July at camp, and Grandma was here for the month of August. We woke up at 6 AM and didn't ever stop til 9. In no particular order, we:

Skated skated skated skated...off ice, on ice group classes, practice ice, trampoline, and, of course, Freaky Friday.

Not only won Freaky Friday mid-summer, but also won the championships!

Had an awesome birthday party at the boathouse for Ava, and another great time at the Hilton Lakeside pool for Carter. 7 and 5. Wow.

Anna learned to love swimming in the lake, Ava learned to play tennis, Carter and Ava sort of learned to play golf, and Ava earned a few stripes on her karate belt.

Went to the waterslide park. SO FUN.

Caught a LOT of toads.

Ushered 8 or so Monarchs to maturity.

Spotted a beaver, a mink, a bald eagle, a very curious Great Blue Heron, several domesticated chipmunks, and a snake.

Went out to dinner as a family--small victories.

Kayaked, Canoed, and rowed. Carter and Ava are terrific in the Guideboat.

Sold a lot of Skating club raffle tickets.

Dug in the sand and dirt as much as possible.

Went fishing a lot. Both older kids can rattle off the names of almost all the lures in the store.

Took the boat foe ice cream sandwiches.

Wakeboarded! Both kids got up and mom even had a turn.

And much more...pictures to come. I hope.

My Sentiments Exactly

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Carter

ava and carter found a little white mushroom the other day. nothing exciting, pretty nondescript, save for a bunch of tiny brown spots all over it. ava wondered what they were. carter immediately declared "i know! caterpillar footprints!"

the other day i asked carter what he wanted to be when he grew up, and he looked at me like i was crazy and said "a person."

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Jumping lizard

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Khakis

If 10 years ago someone had told me that one day I would put on a polo shirt, khaki pants, white socks and SNEAKERS, get in my minivan and go purchase 24 helium balloons for my kids' school, representing of course the PTO (PTA), I would have laughed and laughed. Never say never.

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Hey Macarena

I can't possibly be the only mom to sing "Hey macaroni!" when serving mac n cheese.

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I have been struggling to write recently, both because there is simply no time, but also I was feeling very uninspired. No clue why, other than perhaps an existential crisis that I can't resolve. But it is such a cliched existential crisis (think 40 years) that I can't even bear to go into it. And it is not really a crisis. Just a preoccupation. That and I have also been enjoying a new pleasure--the absence of a completely evil person trying to destroy my family. A four-year ordeal is finally over. The closure of this chapter in our life has been immensely enjoyable, and it is a pleasure that I am savoring slowly. (This may not make a lot of sense, but it was very nice to be able to say, "oh, for goodness sake, here...now go away."). Honestly, I get a good laugh out of the outcome rather often. Someday I will write about the details. Not now.

So, I have had a lot of things on my mind, but none of which I have felt like writing about. And I have done some writing elsewhere, which I think I might post here, soon.

I have been really enjoying Anna and especially the way her siblings are completely in love with her. She is a riot, she understands everything, has a weird obsession with socks, LOVES legos, adores her books and sits with them open in her lap and 'reads' them out loud (she is not a quiet child), will bring a book to you and insist on sitting down exactly where you are to read it--she holds it up to you until you take it, turns around with a satisfied smile and plunks herself on her bottom at your feet, looking up expectantly. We have done this in the bathroom, loading the dishwasher, in the entrance hall, and in the laundry room, among other places. She continues to climb everything, loves to slide, tries to push Carter and Ava on the swings, and is addicted to me scratching her belly. She cuddles like a champion, she loves to loll in bed, and I think that I finally had enough children to get an eater out of the bunch. She won't drink out of a sippy cup, but has a regular cup almost down pat. She loves to get dressed and constantly tries to put clothes on. The other day Ava put her pink superhero cape on Anna and it was the cutes thing I have seen in a while. And she is not afraid to let you know that she is MAD. For all of her complacency as a baby, she is 100% a toddler now.

Ava started Karate, and as expected, loves it. Carter will get to start when he is 5. We tried t-ball for Carter, but he really did not seem to enjoy the "hey, throw this repeatedly to that little boy over there that you are supposed to have a bond with because he is on your team even though you don't know him at all" aspect of it. That and the giant playground just across the field that his sisters were playing on while he had "practice" was just too much to ignore. So, we released him from his obligation and let him go sit in the sandbox and play tag. He is incredibly athletic, but also equally cerebral. It creates a bit of an enigma. The other day, he was lying in bed and he said "mom? who controls my body?" This led to a discussion about his brain, and the subsequent questions went deeper and deeper into the very heart of the philosophy of consciousness. He just kept taking it up a notch--as in, if I am speaking, who is making me speak? Who is making me want to speak? Who is making me think? and on and on. Then he asked if his brain had buttons on it. I said, no, it is made of cells. He said "I know what cells are! My body is made of cells!" I said yes, and your brain is made up of special cells called neurons. His efforts to identify his body/mind/soul/consciousness are phenomenal.

Oh, and I can't believe I forgot! ANNA TINKLED ON THE POTTY!

I have not posted much about Ava recently, and I was thinking about that last night. Not because I have not been devoting a tremendous amount of mental energy to her, that is for sure. But this year, first grade, has been so monumental in so many ways, I have probably been unconsciously overwhelmed by the idea of putting it all down. I will tell you, it is a LOT easier to chronicle the development of an infant than it is to chronicle that of a school-age child. The milestones are just as huge, but so much more abstract. Of course, reading is an easy one to take note of. And other academic skills. They are easily observed. And I have to say that the reading thing is terrific. The world is available to her now. Layers upon layers of new information is out there, and I am sure it makes her feel so much more in control of her life. But it is the other stuff that I am struggling to articulate--the growing up that she is doing emotionally. There is so much drama when you are a kid, and when it is your first child, you have no idea if this is normal or something to be concerned about or what. And the drama is very different as a child gets older and starts to adopt the mannerisms of a girl, vs a little girl. at 4 years, the posturing is exactly that. At almost 7, it is not posturing anymore. She is more worldly now, and it is reflected in her behavior. As a parent who strove to keep her protected from some not so nice truths about life and the world, this is very hard. I am no longer able to protect her from knowledge. Now my job is to guide her through that knowledge. This is a mental shift that I have found incredibly difficult. Notably because I have to constantly shift back and forth between my more mature daughter and my other 2 youngsters who are still blissfully unaware of so much. And of course, because it is Ava, her development is not following a normal trajectory. She is more mature and worldly, but she is also suddenly determined to be a kid. Or at least as much of a kid as she can allow--the other day we were at a garage sale, and there were Barbies for sale, and she said she wanted to get one, so we perused the selection. Everyone else has Barbies, you know. She was undecided, and struggling, and finally said "nah. i don't want one." -- then she went off to buy clothes and jewelry.

She is simultaneously strong and confident and fearful and subject to the opinions of others. She has her own opinions, style, and interests, and yet lets herself be guided by those she admires. She is an incredible girly girl, but prefers stories and displays of strength and power. She loves that skating sets her apart from her peers, and yet wants to be brought into the fold. She is a leader, but only in areas where she is certain that she knows exactly what to do. She is incredibly fragile, but no one would know it. And she hides it well, but she is very uncertain about how to navigate the social environment of her peers. I see her sizing it up, trying to figure it out, and struggling with the reality that it will take an effort that does not come naturally to her. However, when she does leap into the fray, she is successful.

I think she has spent so much of her 7 years being so serious and so intense and so easily sent to the stratosphere, that she is finally--finally! -- learning to let go and indulge herself in all sorts of dreams and imaginings. I let the kids watch The Chronicles of Narnia the other day (on a beautiful, sunny afternoon, no less) and I was so relieved that I did. I have suffered through a lot of angst over television and movies and so on, but this one (like Harry Potter) was different. True, it was somewhat violent and scary in places, but both kids can handle that now. But what the movie did was to completely transport her. Carter too, but that is nothing new. I was so excited to watch her become completely immersed in the story, with that visceral reaction that only some books and movies can generate. I could see how badly she wanted to be there, be one of those kids, have a bow and arrow and magical powers and adventure. I remember that feeling. I still get it when reading some books. It is a longing, a dream almost. It has sparked so much in her, a type of thinking and feeling that took a long time to emerge. It is a part of her mind and soul that she can retreat to, and draw strength from, and will only become more powerful and vast with the more reading and stories and wonder that she experiences.

Happy Spring!

Anna says bye bye and hello now, with a wave. Finally. It is the one thing that all strangers do when interacting with a baby, and most babies happily oblige with an adorable wave. Not Anna. Nope. Not doing it. Instead, she stared at people with a disconcerting intensity that would finally make them mumble "oh, ok, that's ok, you don't have to wave...not today..."

But now, she has decided that she will finally do it, and of course it is The Most Fun Ever!

She is also walking about 6 feet at a time. Despite earlier predictions, she is taking her sweet ol' time ambulating.

Signs that perhaps your son's Star Wars preoccupation might be too much:

Mom, looking at a photo of koala bears: "Hey, Carter...Do you remember what these are? We saw them in San Diego..."

Carter, looking closely: "Ewoks?"

smartphone

what did i do before my new phone???

anna is on an ambulatory strike. not interested in walking, very much interested in climbing. not good. so not good.

one night a few weeks ago, ava was settling down and after a few minutes of silence, she sat up, looked at me and said "so. mom. what do you think i should do with my skating?"

i said "what do you think you should do with your skating?"

she said "well, i think i would really like to be famous, you know, go to nationals and be a champion and everything..."

i told her that there were a lot of people who were ready to help her give it a shot and work toward that goal and that i thought it was an admirable goal and we could talk later about how she was going to do that. to which she said "well, i think i need to skate at least 3 hours a day and i have to land my axel so i can start on my doubles..."

carter has been preoccupied with star wars and now harry potter. we watched harry potter yesterday (he was agog), and last night he started processing darth vader's and voldemort's fall from grace and what it meant to be on the dark side. he said, "well, first he was here" and he held out his left hand, and then said "and then he went over here" and he pointed with his right hand. "he went all the way over to the other side of the earth. "

the other day he asked me if i knew who/what god was. i deflected and said "who do you think god is?" and he said "that's easy! god is the messenger for the great spirit!" and he scoffed and said "that's easy. i am the great spirit."

ooooeeeeeeooooooo....



whoa. ok. so, i asked what the message was.

when ava was born, i noticed a common theme in the parenting magazines and websites and books: how to not become overwhelmed by volunteer requests. or more bluntly, how to say "no."

i thought, well, of course -- that does not seem so hard.

ha.

the other day, at 9 pm, as i collapsed in a chair having finally secured sleep states in all 3 kids, i looked at my clothes and realized that i had been wearing them for 36 hours straight. (living in the north country, you can get away with this by throwing snowpants and a fleece over whatever you have on. you need the outerwear, and no one can see what is your base layer, and hopefully, the water resistant material contains any unsavory aroma). this was due to a volunteer marathon at the 2010 empire state winter games. now, it certainly was hard work, and i would have preferred a chance at a shower, but saying "no" to volunteering really was not an option. this is our skating club's responsibility, and since our family has a vested interest in the club's success, i can't see how insisting on "me" time would benefit anyone. same goes for volunteering at the school. it is exhausting, but they simply don't have the human resources to make it all happen at a level of excellence. and basically, i would like my kid's experience to be the best it can be--if i can help make that happen, i will. i think most parents (or those parents for whom those articles are written) feel the same way. in other words, if you are a parent, and if you have a moment to spare, you generally are going to maximize your kid's life at your own personal expense. not always, but the effort is there. the articles explaining how to say no tend to gloss over that fact or blame some sort of external guilt factor. but (i think) the guilt comes from inside--not because some external parenting standard is forcing parents to slog through work they don't want to do, but because as a parent, you can never really stop trying to improve your kid's life--there is no limit on that, and so one exhausts themselves going for broke--whether that is improving it financially, emotionally, physically, or mentally.

now, of course, even my choice to volunteer all weekend came at an expense for the kids, particularly nutritionally -- it left no time to cook, so we ate a LOT of chicken tenders from price chopper. so, it is a personal choice too--i weighed the options and decided that a successful skating club and tight community were far more important than organic meals for a few days.

and also, i know the argument that a happy mom makes for a better mom, and so one has to take care of one's self. however, what is not addressed is that sometimes self sacrifice can make a person very happy. i was exhausted, filthy, emotionally spent (parents and coaches of competitive skaters can be very high strung), and waaaay behind in the housework, but we all had a great time. the point is, i was happy, and thus we were better off. it all lies in the definition of what brings happiness or contentment or satisfaction.

which segues into another parenting realization i had the other day. when i became a parent i had a vision of how i wanted our family life to be. and it was a lot more crunchy and artsy than our current life. i spent a long time (years) agonizing over the fact that our life did not match the one i envisioned and witnessed in blogs and books and magazines (those darn media sources!). it seemed that everyone was knitting and sewing and crafting up a storm of clothes and toys and books and projects and cooking amazing meals that somehow their little kids actually ate and their houses were not only clean but practically works of art, and they all hung out and learned together and no one ever complained...

when ava was little, i had it sort of under control--we did a lot more of the sort of artsy creative outdoorsy all natural tactile hands on learning that i loved, but then school and skating and everything else began.

and then our life seemed to have no time for those things--we have a grueling schedule of athletic activities, and very little time to set up projects or go hiking or learn how to knit--and i started to feel like i was losing control of my vision. and i started to feel like i was somehow failing to parent in the way that i wanted to parent. but then i watched ava with her skating peers and realized something. the parenting that i wanted to do was an effort to create the sort of environment that I like. but blindly creating the sort of environment that i prefer, and judging all other environments as somehow not being good enough is just as much a failure, if not more of one. ava and carter (and eventually anna) have their own preferences. if that means we spend hours at the rink and oval (speed skating) and mountain, with bags and bags of gear, eating on the fly, and very little time for anything else, well, that is the life we have. this is what the kids like to do, this is what they respond to. i finally recognized that i had to suspend my judgements and opinions that were creating major anxiety in me and let the individualism of the kids guide me instead of trying to stuff them into some preconceived mold of the perfect childhood.

this is not easy. but it is ultimately a lot easier than spending hours anxiety-ridden over perceived failure. what we have is good. it is not how i would live, if i were on my own, and thus a bit more of a challenge to rise to, but it is still working. and that is what i finally was able to see. it doesn't mean that i have to relinquish all control, but it means that i can let go of the angst over not going apple-picking this fall. no, we missed that nod to the season and that wonderful opportunity to get outside, but we did a lot of other things that moved us forward in life. perhaps that is what the parenting magazines and books should focus upon--instead of constantly exhorting parents to "take time for themselves," which can end up being just as stressful as any other aspect of parenting (how? what should i do for myself? when? what do i sacrifice so i have this 'time'?), they should acknowledge first that parents might actually want to put their energy into parenting and that it is not incompatible with doing something for themselves -- that for some, parenting IS taking time for themselves. and second, that one can amend notions of good parenting. letting the kid's lives guide (not dictate) parents might result in the adults learning a lot more about life than what might have occurred if the adults insist upon doing it their way.

whoa. weeks and weeks of illness here. yikes. most of it just high fevers. very high--104. each child had it, ava had it for the longest though--7 days straight. plus another week of getting her strength back. and it is not entirely back, she has been complaining of earaches for the last few days. no one is exactly "right" yet. i have had very little sleep. there is nothing to describe what it is like to be up all night with a rotating parade of sick kids. just when you get one back to sleep and think that you might be able to shut your eyes for an hour..."mom?"

i cannot say that i always had a patient and nurturing response.

but, we have read a lot of books--notably, the lemony snickett books-- "a series of unfortunate event". ava LOVES these books. i had no idea what to expect, but wow, they are positively morbid. but hysterical and very good at calling out the grown ups on their irrational behavior, something a six-year old certainly appreciates. for those who are not familiar, they are about 3 orphans who go through -- you guessed it -- a series of unfortunate events. very unfortunate. but the age structure of these kids is very similar to that of our family--there is an older girl, violet, who loves to tinker and invent things. then there is a boy (klaus) 2 years younger than violet who loves to read. and then there is a baby of about one year. the other day, we were all sitting around the table, and ava was building something -- actually dismantling something with the intention of building something -- and carter was reading something, and anna was playing with something and ava said "hey! we are just like the kids in our books!" that was great.

her reading is also progressing nicely, and she is finally confident enough to pick up some books and read by herself. she did that last night. problem is, she does not always want to read picture books. generally she never wants to read picture books. but then all of the books she wants to read are too advanced. it is very difficult to find books that are interesting enough to her but easy enough to read.

however, it looks like she is happy to read to anna, so that might get us over this little gap in desire and ability. i am just pleased that she is past refusing to read because anna karenina was not accessible to her.

last weekend we went to a ski race at the local hill. it was a crazy steep course, and unbeknownst to me, it began on a huge ramp that sent the kids utterly flying down the hill. carter managed to come in 2nd in his age group and ava came in 3rd. this was both terrific and very hard for ava. good lesson, but it took all of her self control to lose graciously. not that she really lost, but in her mind she did. carter could not have been prouder. he was SO excited to be on the podium, finally. i think he really did not believe that the medal was his and not ava's. and then, at the end, to the surprise of all, he got a trophy for being the youngest competitor. (even more of a challenge for ava). i swear, he would sleep with the thing, if he could. he took it to school on monday and presented it to every single person that walked in the door.

you can bet though that when dad asked ava if she wanted to go practice ski racing, she practically jumped through the door.

i suppose competitiveness is a good quality, but it sure comes with its challenges.

as for me, i think i am going to have a nervous breakdown by the time ava is 8, if we keep competing at this pace. i cannot stand it--it is bad enough to watch her go out on the ice, but to stand at the bottom of the ski hill while your son is flying down -- and you are completely without any control -- is very very hard.

ok, i am not going to suspend the mommy statistics. not yet. things have been in utter disarray lately, and i missed posting. grandma came up to help out with the disarray and i cannot thank her enough. living with 3 kids is helpful in that you have to just keep going through your insane days and you simply do not have enough time to worry about anything. but you also do not have much time for figuring things out either. having grandma here certainly gave me that time. that is not to say that i have things all figured out (who does?), but some things are clearer now.

that must be pretty confusing and obscure to read.

anna is just incredible. she is such a cute kid. she has suspended her efforts to walk, preferring to hang tight to the pulling up and scooting, but in lieu of that, she is very into communicating. i swear she is saying thank you--when she hands something to you, she says "deh doh" in the exact same inflection of "thank you" -- and it is only when there is an exchange. she still loves to coo at animals, and if anyone sings, or if she hears music, she starts singing along. but the best is when she has the phone or when someone is on the other side of a closed door. in that case, she either holds the phone up to her mouth or stands at the door and yells "AH! AH! AH!"

she loves loves loves the piano.

and she is very much into "putting." recently she started trying to put her puzzle pieces back into the puzzle board, and loves anything that fits together, or goes into a container. out. in. out. in. and on and on.

and now she has 4 teeth. oh, and she also likes to blow air gently through her lips--like she is blowing bubbles. i don't think carter can do this yet. it is really cute. if you blow the hair away from her face, she will do it back.

ava is finally experiencing success in school. that is, success as she defines it. until she meets her own standards (best defined as better than a certain kid), she gets discouraged (a euphemism) and resists trying to do the work. this reading thing has been quite an experience. ages ago, she got the idea of reading and was able to decipher simple words. but when it all did not suddenly fall into place magically, she bailed and flat out refused to do anything but the bare minimum. this happened with bike riding too. when it looked like she was actually going to have to go through a gradual learning process, and it would come with some failures and scraped knees, she would not get on her bike. it took a year before she was willing to try, and the day that she did try, she was suddenly so determined that she did it. she did the same thing with her piano songs. the day before a scheduled recital she finally sat down and figured out her songs--memorized them and voila. but incremental progress? no way. she will not accept that such a thing exists, let alone has any value.

but it is also hard for her because she is my guinea pig. my experience is her experience. i cannot offer her any wisdom, because i don't know how kids learn until she learns something. what is very interesting is that there is an educational philosophy that says kids really are not ready to learn academic things until they lose their baby teeth. until that point they are supposed to build a foundation for learning. this theory is not based in any neurological evidence, but curiously, ava seemed to have made a mental and emotional leap concomitantly with losing her first baby teeth. i would be curious to know what is occurring in their brains at this point--if there is any link.

she did pick up knitting rather quickly--thank goodness it was not me teaching her.

nevertheless, while her interest in learning has improved, she is exponentially more interested in her athletic accomplishments. and clearly always will be. like i said, if only there were a way to teach the elementary school curriculum via skating and gymnastics...then we would be golden.

anna has added "no" to her repertoire. she says it like she is from philadelphia--i don't know how to spell out that accent, but she really draws out the o. and today she stood unassisted for the first time. she was preoccupied with something in her hands and just let go and stood there. she did not even fall when she realized what was going on. she loves to give kisses, which are really more like head butts, and she loves to put her head down on things that are soft, like "ahhhh...i think i'll take a nap"

carter is struggling lately. complaining of not feeling well, but also playing like he is fine, and also getting terribly upset about certain things--today he asked me about the fire scene in black beauty. for those who don't know the story, a large horse barn catches fire and there is a dramatic rescue of black beauty and ginger. unfortunately, some of the other horses do not make it. carter specifically asked about those horses and if they died. hem...haw...hem...haw...finally i went with honesty and when i did he just collapsed in a puddle of tears. this was hard. his empathy is overwhelming sometimes.

no, i have not changed things. the letter between the t and the u on this computer doesn't work. can't write a thing. adverbs are tough. waiting for the new computer to arrive.

but--as an aside, gourmet magazine is defunct. defunct. finished. gone. i did not know this. this seems impossible to believe. i know journalism is changing, but gourmet? geez.