so i mentioned reading the book "the mommy wars" a few posts ago. and i guess i should comment. no time to do a long review/analysis etc., but it elicited such a strong reaction in me i figured i should at least try to sort it out, if only to get it clear in my own head. and perhaps to get others thinking. though i would bet that this is a topic that many many many mothers and women are thinking about, and need very little prodding.



so, for those not familiar with the book, it is basically a compilations of reflections on motherhood and working or not working. stay at home moms and working moms basically defend their choices. and it starts out by noting the divisiveness and anger and, well, basically, war between these 2 apparent factions. the essays were well written, and some made some very interesting and pertinent points, and for that theyare worth reading. however, the book itself made me so very very upset and frankly, angry, at its editor.

are the mommy wars for real? well, if you read this, you conclude yes, they are. and i don't doubt for a minute that there are a lot more women who can write without flinching that moms who stay home aren't working, are abandoning feminism, are lazy, etc., or that moms who work are selfish, abandoning their children, etc. however, right off the bat there are 2 things that bugged me. first, all of the essays were written by a sub group of women--not only were these professional women, but they were professional women primarily in one industry: publishing/writing. this is NOT representative of the population of mothers in this country. second, most of the essays did not actually point a finger at other mothers. some did, to be sure, but most of them reflected on the abysmal lack of support for mothers in the US. which is a FAR more important thing to write a book about.

basically, i felt like this mother capitalized on the struggle of feminism, saw an easy cash opportunity--sensationalist title! touches a nerve! compilation of essays! (read: delegate much of the work to others)--and she took an issue pretty much already fabricated by the media and rubbed salt in a wound that would not necessarily have been there. she made sure that if mothers weren't insecure and exhausted enough, she would make sure that they knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that, in addition to all of the struggles of being a parent, all of the conflicting information, all of the lack of support, there is something else to worry about: other mothers hate you. mothers that did not make the choices you made, and even mothers that did make the choices you made. it was like high school all over again.

and after i finished it, i thought, hmmmm....of all of the mothers i know, very very few fall exactly into one camp or the other, and very very few (if any) have ever made a judgment against another mother for her choices regarding working. if anything, the most vitriolic judgments have had nothing to do with working and everything to do with parenting choices (breastfeeding, tv, family bed, etc).

to write this book and to force me to wonder if other mothers hated me because i was a stay at home mom (wait...what am i? i work, but at night, i stay at home, the kids don't go to day care, and rarely have babysitters, but i still am trying to maintain a career, so am i a working mom or a stay at home mom? i have a feeling that this describes a lot of mothers--not my exact scenario, but a mish mash of the sorts of categorical extremes presented in this book), to add yet another layer of complexity to the very conflicting evolution of feminism---a layer that is not really necessary--just for what appears to be the sake of personal gain as well as the fun of stirring the pot a little, is irresponsible. but, there are a lot of irresponsible people out there that like to stir it up a bit, cause trouble, get people all riled up. create a bit of a drama. i am personally very familiar with this tendency in people, and it all revolves around one thing: immaturity.

and i am really really sick of people capitalizing on feminism to make a buck.

this woman could have put the same amount of effort that writing (editing) this book took and directed it towards actually resolving a real issue. how about writing a book about child care and how to change it? then perhaps this bad mommy/good mommy thing might be revealed for what it is--an artifact, created by society.

or, how about looking at the state of feminism in the rest of the world? not looking so great in many places.

what this does is directs attention away from the real issues. it is so easy to feign interest and concern for an issue when it appears that one can gain from further division. it is not limited to feminism, but that seems to be an easy one for people to latch on to.

i have a lot more to say, but am too tired. but one last thing--a lot of these essays did actually state this. that is why it ultimately is something i am glad that i read. and a lot of the essays made very practical and pointed observations that refuted the original hypothesis of the author. to her credit she did amend that hypothesis at the end of the book, stating that the mommy wars are within us, and are created by our own personal guilt, but still. that assumes i am manifesting my own self loathing onto other mothers. which i don't do. i don't have guilt about being the mother i am. what i have is exhaustion. but that is boring: "the mommy snores: essays about very tired mothers". nope, not a runaway best seller...

tonight, carter did not wake up drenched in sweat, screaming in fear approximately 1 hour after falling asleep.

after weeks of this, i am very pleased. at least one night where he is not suffering.

he tells me in the morning that he is afraid, but he does not know of what.

and he slept til 8:30 am. holy cow.

in that time, ava nad i colored in an intricate book of designs--lots of mandala-looking designs, nothing representational, all very geometric, etc. we had a great time. it is nice to get that sort of quiet time with her. the night before we were having a snack while carter and dad read books, and we were in fits of hysterics over trying to make a list of all the things grandma will need for her visit here. it began straightforward enough, then ava looked at me and said "i think she needs a cow." -- that did it. after that, we had the following list:

a zamboni, a steering wheel, a hippopotamus, tires, a pitchfork, and a dancing garbage can.

funny how a 5-year-old's giggles will get you laughing so hard you have tears in your eyes--even if the joke has long past its lifespan.

we planted our container garden yesterday. in the kitchen. can you say "mud?"

what i learned: do not initiate a project that involves potting mix (ie dirt) after you have vacuumed and washed the floors. you may think, oh, it is just the kitchen, i don't mind re-doing that...but you are being naive. small children don't stop! when you say stop!. they stop after running half-way through the house, coated in dirt, while you are frantically trying to relax and let go and be ok with having to sweep and vacum and swiffer every room all over again (all before you have to leave for t-ball) because it is not their fault you were so monumentally stupid that you let them dig in a 30 lb bag of soil. not to mention sanctioning the use of the watering can.

this did lead to yet another rearranging of the play room though. it is coming together, though i spend far too much time looking at pottery barn kids designed playrooms and coveting those wonderful cabinets and cubbies, looking scornfully at our collection of plastic bins. however, those bins are 1. neatly lined up, and 2. categorized carefully.

but the stuffed animals. they are breeding. i love them, i sanction them, but wow. what a quantity. and we have 2 more LARGE bins of them in storage.

still frantically studying and working. june 4, and the exams will be complete.

however, thought i should take the time to make note of ava's most recent quest: seeing all 50 license plates. we have been working on it for a month now, and it has helped that we have been to texas recently and we happen to live in a vacation destination. as a result, we only have 7 states to go. and that does not include hawaii. the other night, as i was putting the kids to bed, and they were slowly drifting off, peter barged through the bedroom door in a frenzy. i opened my mouth to speak (more like i opened my mouth to say "what in god's name are you thinking?) but before i uttered a word, he said "i'm sorry, but there is a car with a hawaii license plate parked out front. i thought you would want to know." i grapped ava, thrust her into peter's arms, and said "here! quick! take her! carter and i will be right there..."

so we all went outside, onto main street, lake placid, to see the hawaii rainbow license plate. as our friend josh put it, it is the unicorn of license plates. and we saw it!

ava started t-ball. she did not want to go, until dad explained to her what it was. then she really wanted to go. and then harvey came with us. she was exploding with excitement, and she loved it. it is very low-key--just hitting, tossing, catching, no "games" (yet--i assume they will start). i was not prepared for the level of parental involvement, and was cought completely off guard when i found out i was the one that had to pitch to her. and harvey. i am NOT good at this. or at least i thought i wasn't. i was pretty good at catching the balls, but abysmal at pitching. and believe me, harvey let me know. he was profoundly disappointed in me. "too high." "too low." ava, god bless her, had no idea that i was so bad--she was so thrilled to swing a bat, hit the ball, throw the ball and periodically catch the ball. though i learned that all 4 and 5 year olds have absolutely no regard for the human beings around them, and will blithely swing a bat at a ball, irrespective of what or who might be in the way. it warrants a lot of attention.

tonight is the first night that carter has not sat up screaming out of a sound sleep.

something has been scaring him, but he does not know what--what he is dreaming, or what in the room, or who knows. but he is not awake when i get to him. his eyes are open, but he is very rigid. and he just lies down and hugs me like a little boa constrictor. he falls back asleep quickly, but it is very disconcerting.

we went on a hike this evening after dinner--very nice--i remember summer nights like that, getting to go back outside, or for a bike ride after dinner. they had a great time, anc carter pretty much ran about a mile. it is impossible to get him to walk.

i know, i know, get back to work, erin...

but i have to write this one down. carter (much to grandma's dismay) loves to throw things. loves it. finds great humor in it, a lot of satisfaction, and i think it just plain feels good. understandably, this is not an ideal habit to cultivate.

today, carter upped the ante.

he also likes to have his car window down. i allow him to have it "ALL THE WAY!!!" down when we are cruising around town, going slowly.

when we parked, the following conversation ensued:

"hey carter, where's your shoe?" (no right shoe on his foot...)

"i throwed it!"

"where"

"uhhh...out window."

"carter! out the window??? where?"

"uhhh...parking lot"

"price chopper?!?"

"no. daddy's office" (which really is the street, but he does not yet distinguish parallel parking from lots...)

"oh. ok. well, let's go see if we can find it."

we looked, and located it. some kind soul found it and set it on a planter. i can only hope that it did not hit them as it came flying out my rear window.

i definitely got the mother of the year award for walking my child through lake placid in one sneaker.

ok, so, we're back from TX. posting will be light for the month of may. i have a ton of work, and exams in a few weeks.

the flight was marred by delays, but otherwise uneventful. a very very very long 24 hours.

ava is thrilled to be back in school. she missed harvey, her best friend.

carter misses his princess, "snow white", who was the very pretty flight attendant on our last plane home. he did not stop talking about her for an hour and a half.

"that's my princess snow white. she's so pretty. can she go fishing with me?"

both kids broke down in tears at various points because they missed grandma.

other things that i forgot:

the zoo-feeding the deer (ava) to the exclusion of nearly everything else, peacocks and peahens and discovering that i do a superb peacock call, lions, tigers, and bears, bees, the 50,000th skinned knee of the trip [of about 100,000]), lemurs, all sorts of birds and a lot of monkeys. and tortoises!

kiddie acres--a pint-sized amusement park. sno cones, little trains (carter rode all by himself), ferris wheel, the airplanes, the carousel, the ponies, the cars, the boats, and one very determined 2-year-old.

the children's museum--a life-sized city bus, the diggers, the sound exhibit, the kitchen, the store, the dairy display, the vet's office, the bat bar, the train, the music room (where there is a camera that transmits you dancing on the stage to a screen in the lobby--a fact that i was completely unaware of as i did the jitterbug and the twist with ava until a kind-hearted texas father clued me in to the fact that i was shimmying for all the parents in austin.

a play for kids about a sea turtle--top row, ava on stage to 'help,' funny starfish, and lots of interaction.

a huge orange dinosaur statue

a statue of sno-cone with sunglasses on

lots of trains. real trains. long freight trains with double and triple engines.

escalators. VERY exciting.

and, how could i forget!? the oscar meyer weiner truck! a giant hotdog on wheels, doing 70 mph down route 35, right past carter's window.

ok, more:

1. yoga (did i mention that?)
2. trout fishing in america with the austin symphony
3. ava onstage to see the symphony up close (she strummed a cell0)
4. more swimming, more playgrounds
5. chuy's...mmmmmmmmmmmm
5.5 success in a restaurant with 2 small kids
6. biscuit brothers with the austin symphony
7. ava and carter onstage to see the symphony up close (harp, flute, bass drum -- pounded by carter, gong -- struck by carter, and all of the miscellaneous instrments.
7.5 note to self--need to get carter drums. do they make drums with earphones?
8. terra toys--independent toystore in austin with great products. it took ava nearly an hour to decide which horse she wanted, and eventually she settled on 2 tiny plush animals. fine by me--they are lightweight and can't break....
9. fountain made for kids where the water jumps out of the ground and the kids can run around in it
10. more playgrounds, organic burgers, macrobiotic food, and the farmer's market.
11. art show at an artist's house. fun, but there was a cute little white kitty (named "little white kitty") that captured the kid's attention. paintings and sculptures can't compete with a snuggly cat.
12. some spectacular meltdowns in the evenings. pure exhaustion.
13. the local elementary school spring carnival--the kids scored tons of prizes and finally discovered flav-or-ice. i think they were flabbergasted that something that good actually existed in the world. at least they did not get mad at me for hiding it from them.
14. reading for pleasure. (!)

still left: we need to return to the zoo, kiddie acres, and the children's museum.

austin is such an interesting city. so weird to mix the punked out alternative scene with the texas christian scene.

as for the reading for pleasure, i am reading 'the mommy wars' -- about the apparent battle between stay at home moms and working mothers. more on this later, but all i can say is that i am so so so glad that i don't live in the world of this book where moms hate each other based on their choices to work or not work. (believe me, there are moms who hate each other in the north country, but that has less to do with parenting choices and a lot more to do with the ongoing class warfare between 'locals' and 'outsiders'-- or, less charitably, 'rednecks' and 'elitist snobs'). living in an isolated region is sort of hard at times, but reading this book reminds me that i may be away from a lot of fun/interesting/exciting things, but i am also removed from a lot of the BS too.

that is nice. having choices is great, but sometimes having limited choices is a lot easier. not a lot to agonize over.