I have been struggling to write recently, both because there is simply no time, but also I was feeling very uninspired. No clue why, other than perhaps an existential crisis that I can't resolve. But it is such a cliched existential crisis (think 40 years) that I can't even bear to go into it. And it is not really a crisis. Just a preoccupation. That and I have also been enjoying a new pleasure--the absence of a completely evil person trying to destroy my family. A four-year ordeal is finally over. The closure of this chapter in our life has been immensely enjoyable, and it is a pleasure that I am savoring slowly. (This may not make a lot of sense, but it was very nice to be able to say, "oh, for goodness sake, here...now go away."). Honestly, I get a good laugh out of the outcome rather often. Someday I will write about the details. Not now.

So, I have had a lot of things on my mind, but none of which I have felt like writing about. And I have done some writing elsewhere, which I think I might post here, soon.

I have been really enjoying Anna and especially the way her siblings are completely in love with her. She is a riot, she understands everything, has a weird obsession with socks, LOVES legos, adores her books and sits with them open in her lap and 'reads' them out loud (she is not a quiet child), will bring a book to you and insist on sitting down exactly where you are to read it--she holds it up to you until you take it, turns around with a satisfied smile and plunks herself on her bottom at your feet, looking up expectantly. We have done this in the bathroom, loading the dishwasher, in the entrance hall, and in the laundry room, among other places. She continues to climb everything, loves to slide, tries to push Carter and Ava on the swings, and is addicted to me scratching her belly. She cuddles like a champion, she loves to loll in bed, and I think that I finally had enough children to get an eater out of the bunch. She won't drink out of a sippy cup, but has a regular cup almost down pat. She loves to get dressed and constantly tries to put clothes on. The other day Ava put her pink superhero cape on Anna and it was the cutes thing I have seen in a while. And she is not afraid to let you know that she is MAD. For all of her complacency as a baby, she is 100% a toddler now.

Ava started Karate, and as expected, loves it. Carter will get to start when he is 5. We tried t-ball for Carter, but he really did not seem to enjoy the "hey, throw this repeatedly to that little boy over there that you are supposed to have a bond with because he is on your team even though you don't know him at all" aspect of it. That and the giant playground just across the field that his sisters were playing on while he had "practice" was just too much to ignore. So, we released him from his obligation and let him go sit in the sandbox and play tag. He is incredibly athletic, but also equally cerebral. It creates a bit of an enigma. The other day, he was lying in bed and he said "mom? who controls my body?" This led to a discussion about his brain, and the subsequent questions went deeper and deeper into the very heart of the philosophy of consciousness. He just kept taking it up a notch--as in, if I am speaking, who is making me speak? Who is making me want to speak? Who is making me think? and on and on. Then he asked if his brain had buttons on it. I said, no, it is made of cells. He said "I know what cells are! My body is made of cells!" I said yes, and your brain is made up of special cells called neurons. His efforts to identify his body/mind/soul/consciousness are phenomenal.

Oh, and I can't believe I forgot! ANNA TINKLED ON THE POTTY!

I have not posted much about Ava recently, and I was thinking about that last night. Not because I have not been devoting a tremendous amount of mental energy to her, that is for sure. But this year, first grade, has been so monumental in so many ways, I have probably been unconsciously overwhelmed by the idea of putting it all down. I will tell you, it is a LOT easier to chronicle the development of an infant than it is to chronicle that of a school-age child. The milestones are just as huge, but so much more abstract. Of course, reading is an easy one to take note of. And other academic skills. They are easily observed. And I have to say that the reading thing is terrific. The world is available to her now. Layers upon layers of new information is out there, and I am sure it makes her feel so much more in control of her life. But it is the other stuff that I am struggling to articulate--the growing up that she is doing emotionally. There is so much drama when you are a kid, and when it is your first child, you have no idea if this is normal or something to be concerned about or what. And the drama is very different as a child gets older and starts to adopt the mannerisms of a girl, vs a little girl. at 4 years, the posturing is exactly that. At almost 7, it is not posturing anymore. She is more worldly now, and it is reflected in her behavior. As a parent who strove to keep her protected from some not so nice truths about life and the world, this is very hard. I am no longer able to protect her from knowledge. Now my job is to guide her through that knowledge. This is a mental shift that I have found incredibly difficult. Notably because I have to constantly shift back and forth between my more mature daughter and my other 2 youngsters who are still blissfully unaware of so much. And of course, because it is Ava, her development is not following a normal trajectory. She is more mature and worldly, but she is also suddenly determined to be a kid. Or at least as much of a kid as she can allow--the other day we were at a garage sale, and there were Barbies for sale, and she said she wanted to get one, so we perused the selection. Everyone else has Barbies, you know. She was undecided, and struggling, and finally said "nah. i don't want one." -- then she went off to buy clothes and jewelry.

She is simultaneously strong and confident and fearful and subject to the opinions of others. She has her own opinions, style, and interests, and yet lets herself be guided by those she admires. She is an incredible girly girl, but prefers stories and displays of strength and power. She loves that skating sets her apart from her peers, and yet wants to be brought into the fold. She is a leader, but only in areas where she is certain that she knows exactly what to do. She is incredibly fragile, but no one would know it. And she hides it well, but she is very uncertain about how to navigate the social environment of her peers. I see her sizing it up, trying to figure it out, and struggling with the reality that it will take an effort that does not come naturally to her. However, when she does leap into the fray, she is successful.

I think she has spent so much of her 7 years being so serious and so intense and so easily sent to the stratosphere, that she is finally--finally! -- learning to let go and indulge herself in all sorts of dreams and imaginings. I let the kids watch The Chronicles of Narnia the other day (on a beautiful, sunny afternoon, no less) and I was so relieved that I did. I have suffered through a lot of angst over television and movies and so on, but this one (like Harry Potter) was different. True, it was somewhat violent and scary in places, but both kids can handle that now. But what the movie did was to completely transport her. Carter too, but that is nothing new. I was so excited to watch her become completely immersed in the story, with that visceral reaction that only some books and movies can generate. I could see how badly she wanted to be there, be one of those kids, have a bow and arrow and magical powers and adventure. I remember that feeling. I still get it when reading some books. It is a longing, a dream almost. It has sparked so much in her, a type of thinking and feeling that took a long time to emerge. It is a part of her mind and soul that she can retreat to, and draw strength from, and will only become more powerful and vast with the more reading and stories and wonder that she experiences.

Happy Spring!

Anna says bye bye and hello now, with a wave. Finally. It is the one thing that all strangers do when interacting with a baby, and most babies happily oblige with an adorable wave. Not Anna. Nope. Not doing it. Instead, she stared at people with a disconcerting intensity that would finally make them mumble "oh, ok, that's ok, you don't have to wave...not today..."

But now, she has decided that she will finally do it, and of course it is The Most Fun Ever!

She is also walking about 6 feet at a time. Despite earlier predictions, she is taking her sweet ol' time ambulating.

Signs that perhaps your son's Star Wars preoccupation might be too much:

Mom, looking at a photo of koala bears: "Hey, Carter...Do you remember what these are? We saw them in San Diego..."

Carter, looking closely: "Ewoks?"

smartphone

what did i do before my new phone???

anna is on an ambulatory strike. not interested in walking, very much interested in climbing. not good. so not good.

one night a few weeks ago, ava was settling down and after a few minutes of silence, she sat up, looked at me and said "so. mom. what do you think i should do with my skating?"

i said "what do you think you should do with your skating?"

she said "well, i think i would really like to be famous, you know, go to nationals and be a champion and everything..."

i told her that there were a lot of people who were ready to help her give it a shot and work toward that goal and that i thought it was an admirable goal and we could talk later about how she was going to do that. to which she said "well, i think i need to skate at least 3 hours a day and i have to land my axel so i can start on my doubles..."

carter has been preoccupied with star wars and now harry potter. we watched harry potter yesterday (he was agog), and last night he started processing darth vader's and voldemort's fall from grace and what it meant to be on the dark side. he said, "well, first he was here" and he held out his left hand, and then said "and then he went over here" and he pointed with his right hand. "he went all the way over to the other side of the earth. "

the other day he asked me if i knew who/what god was. i deflected and said "who do you think god is?" and he said "that's easy! god is the messenger for the great spirit!" and he scoffed and said "that's easy. i am the great spirit."

ooooeeeeeeooooooo....



whoa. ok. so, i asked what the message was.