when ava was born, i noticed a common theme in the parenting magazines and websites and books: how to not become overwhelmed by volunteer requests. or more bluntly, how to say "no."

i thought, well, of course -- that does not seem so hard.

ha.

the other day, at 9 pm, as i collapsed in a chair having finally secured sleep states in all 3 kids, i looked at my clothes and realized that i had been wearing them for 36 hours straight. (living in the north country, you can get away with this by throwing snowpants and a fleece over whatever you have on. you need the outerwear, and no one can see what is your base layer, and hopefully, the water resistant material contains any unsavory aroma). this was due to a volunteer marathon at the 2010 empire state winter games. now, it certainly was hard work, and i would have preferred a chance at a shower, but saying "no" to volunteering really was not an option. this is our skating club's responsibility, and since our family has a vested interest in the club's success, i can't see how insisting on "me" time would benefit anyone. same goes for volunteering at the school. it is exhausting, but they simply don't have the human resources to make it all happen at a level of excellence. and basically, i would like my kid's experience to be the best it can be--if i can help make that happen, i will. i think most parents (or those parents for whom those articles are written) feel the same way. in other words, if you are a parent, and if you have a moment to spare, you generally are going to maximize your kid's life at your own personal expense. not always, but the effort is there. the articles explaining how to say no tend to gloss over that fact or blame some sort of external guilt factor. but (i think) the guilt comes from inside--not because some external parenting standard is forcing parents to slog through work they don't want to do, but because as a parent, you can never really stop trying to improve your kid's life--there is no limit on that, and so one exhausts themselves going for broke--whether that is improving it financially, emotionally, physically, or mentally.

now, of course, even my choice to volunteer all weekend came at an expense for the kids, particularly nutritionally -- it left no time to cook, so we ate a LOT of chicken tenders from price chopper. so, it is a personal choice too--i weighed the options and decided that a successful skating club and tight community were far more important than organic meals for a few days.

and also, i know the argument that a happy mom makes for a better mom, and so one has to take care of one's self. however, what is not addressed is that sometimes self sacrifice can make a person very happy. i was exhausted, filthy, emotionally spent (parents and coaches of competitive skaters can be very high strung), and waaaay behind in the housework, but we all had a great time. the point is, i was happy, and thus we were better off. it all lies in the definition of what brings happiness or contentment or satisfaction.

which segues into another parenting realization i had the other day. when i became a parent i had a vision of how i wanted our family life to be. and it was a lot more crunchy and artsy than our current life. i spent a long time (years) agonizing over the fact that our life did not match the one i envisioned and witnessed in blogs and books and magazines (those darn media sources!). it seemed that everyone was knitting and sewing and crafting up a storm of clothes and toys and books and projects and cooking amazing meals that somehow their little kids actually ate and their houses were not only clean but practically works of art, and they all hung out and learned together and no one ever complained...

when ava was little, i had it sort of under control--we did a lot more of the sort of artsy creative outdoorsy all natural tactile hands on learning that i loved, but then school and skating and everything else began.

and then our life seemed to have no time for those things--we have a grueling schedule of athletic activities, and very little time to set up projects or go hiking or learn how to knit--and i started to feel like i was losing control of my vision. and i started to feel like i was somehow failing to parent in the way that i wanted to parent. but then i watched ava with her skating peers and realized something. the parenting that i wanted to do was an effort to create the sort of environment that I like. but blindly creating the sort of environment that i prefer, and judging all other environments as somehow not being good enough is just as much a failure, if not more of one. ava and carter (and eventually anna) have their own preferences. if that means we spend hours at the rink and oval (speed skating) and mountain, with bags and bags of gear, eating on the fly, and very little time for anything else, well, that is the life we have. this is what the kids like to do, this is what they respond to. i finally recognized that i had to suspend my judgements and opinions that were creating major anxiety in me and let the individualism of the kids guide me instead of trying to stuff them into some preconceived mold of the perfect childhood.

this is not easy. but it is ultimately a lot easier than spending hours anxiety-ridden over perceived failure. what we have is good. it is not how i would live, if i were on my own, and thus a bit more of a challenge to rise to, but it is still working. and that is what i finally was able to see. it doesn't mean that i have to relinquish all control, but it means that i can let go of the angst over not going apple-picking this fall. no, we missed that nod to the season and that wonderful opportunity to get outside, but we did a lot of other things that moved us forward in life. perhaps that is what the parenting magazines and books should focus upon--instead of constantly exhorting parents to "take time for themselves," which can end up being just as stressful as any other aspect of parenting (how? what should i do for myself? when? what do i sacrifice so i have this 'time'?), they should acknowledge first that parents might actually want to put their energy into parenting and that it is not incompatible with doing something for themselves -- that for some, parenting IS taking time for themselves. and second, that one can amend notions of good parenting. letting the kid's lives guide (not dictate) parents might result in the adults learning a lot more about life than what might have occurred if the adults insist upon doing it their way.

whoa. weeks and weeks of illness here. yikes. most of it just high fevers. very high--104. each child had it, ava had it for the longest though--7 days straight. plus another week of getting her strength back. and it is not entirely back, she has been complaining of earaches for the last few days. no one is exactly "right" yet. i have had very little sleep. there is nothing to describe what it is like to be up all night with a rotating parade of sick kids. just when you get one back to sleep and think that you might be able to shut your eyes for an hour..."mom?"

i cannot say that i always had a patient and nurturing response.

but, we have read a lot of books--notably, the lemony snickett books-- "a series of unfortunate event". ava LOVES these books. i had no idea what to expect, but wow, they are positively morbid. but hysterical and very good at calling out the grown ups on their irrational behavior, something a six-year old certainly appreciates. for those who are not familiar, they are about 3 orphans who go through -- you guessed it -- a series of unfortunate events. very unfortunate. but the age structure of these kids is very similar to that of our family--there is an older girl, violet, who loves to tinker and invent things. then there is a boy (klaus) 2 years younger than violet who loves to read. and then there is a baby of about one year. the other day, we were all sitting around the table, and ava was building something -- actually dismantling something with the intention of building something -- and carter was reading something, and anna was playing with something and ava said "hey! we are just like the kids in our books!" that was great.

her reading is also progressing nicely, and she is finally confident enough to pick up some books and read by herself. she did that last night. problem is, she does not always want to read picture books. generally she never wants to read picture books. but then all of the books she wants to read are too advanced. it is very difficult to find books that are interesting enough to her but easy enough to read.

however, it looks like she is happy to read to anna, so that might get us over this little gap in desire and ability. i am just pleased that she is past refusing to read because anna karenina was not accessible to her.

last weekend we went to a ski race at the local hill. it was a crazy steep course, and unbeknownst to me, it began on a huge ramp that sent the kids utterly flying down the hill. carter managed to come in 2nd in his age group and ava came in 3rd. this was both terrific and very hard for ava. good lesson, but it took all of her self control to lose graciously. not that she really lost, but in her mind she did. carter could not have been prouder. he was SO excited to be on the podium, finally. i think he really did not believe that the medal was his and not ava's. and then, at the end, to the surprise of all, he got a trophy for being the youngest competitor. (even more of a challenge for ava). i swear, he would sleep with the thing, if he could. he took it to school on monday and presented it to every single person that walked in the door.

you can bet though that when dad asked ava if she wanted to go practice ski racing, she practically jumped through the door.

i suppose competitiveness is a good quality, but it sure comes with its challenges.

as for me, i think i am going to have a nervous breakdown by the time ava is 8, if we keep competing at this pace. i cannot stand it--it is bad enough to watch her go out on the ice, but to stand at the bottom of the ski hill while your son is flying down -- and you are completely without any control -- is very very hard.

ok, i am not going to suspend the mommy statistics. not yet. things have been in utter disarray lately, and i missed posting. grandma came up to help out with the disarray and i cannot thank her enough. living with 3 kids is helpful in that you have to just keep going through your insane days and you simply do not have enough time to worry about anything. but you also do not have much time for figuring things out either. having grandma here certainly gave me that time. that is not to say that i have things all figured out (who does?), but some things are clearer now.

that must be pretty confusing and obscure to read.

anna is just incredible. she is such a cute kid. she has suspended her efforts to walk, preferring to hang tight to the pulling up and scooting, but in lieu of that, she is very into communicating. i swear she is saying thank you--when she hands something to you, she says "deh doh" in the exact same inflection of "thank you" -- and it is only when there is an exchange. she still loves to coo at animals, and if anyone sings, or if she hears music, she starts singing along. but the best is when she has the phone or when someone is on the other side of a closed door. in that case, she either holds the phone up to her mouth or stands at the door and yells "AH! AH! AH!"

she loves loves loves the piano.

and she is very much into "putting." recently she started trying to put her puzzle pieces back into the puzzle board, and loves anything that fits together, or goes into a container. out. in. out. in. and on and on.

and now she has 4 teeth. oh, and she also likes to blow air gently through her lips--like she is blowing bubbles. i don't think carter can do this yet. it is really cute. if you blow the hair away from her face, she will do it back.

ava is finally experiencing success in school. that is, success as she defines it. until she meets her own standards (best defined as better than a certain kid), she gets discouraged (a euphemism) and resists trying to do the work. this reading thing has been quite an experience. ages ago, she got the idea of reading and was able to decipher simple words. but when it all did not suddenly fall into place magically, she bailed and flat out refused to do anything but the bare minimum. this happened with bike riding too. when it looked like she was actually going to have to go through a gradual learning process, and it would come with some failures and scraped knees, she would not get on her bike. it took a year before she was willing to try, and the day that she did try, she was suddenly so determined that she did it. she did the same thing with her piano songs. the day before a scheduled recital she finally sat down and figured out her songs--memorized them and voila. but incremental progress? no way. she will not accept that such a thing exists, let alone has any value.

but it is also hard for her because she is my guinea pig. my experience is her experience. i cannot offer her any wisdom, because i don't know how kids learn until she learns something. what is very interesting is that there is an educational philosophy that says kids really are not ready to learn academic things until they lose their baby teeth. until that point they are supposed to build a foundation for learning. this theory is not based in any neurological evidence, but curiously, ava seemed to have made a mental and emotional leap concomitantly with losing her first baby teeth. i would be curious to know what is occurring in their brains at this point--if there is any link.

she did pick up knitting rather quickly--thank goodness it was not me teaching her.

nevertheless, while her interest in learning has improved, she is exponentially more interested in her athletic accomplishments. and clearly always will be. like i said, if only there were a way to teach the elementary school curriculum via skating and gymnastics...then we would be golden.

anna has added "no" to her repertoire. she says it like she is from philadelphia--i don't know how to spell out that accent, but she really draws out the o. and today she stood unassisted for the first time. she was preoccupied with something in her hands and just let go and stood there. she did not even fall when she realized what was going on. she loves to give kisses, which are really more like head butts, and she loves to put her head down on things that are soft, like "ahhhh...i think i'll take a nap"

carter is struggling lately. complaining of not feeling well, but also playing like he is fine, and also getting terribly upset about certain things--today he asked me about the fire scene in black beauty. for those who don't know the story, a large horse barn catches fire and there is a dramatic rescue of black beauty and ginger. unfortunately, some of the other horses do not make it. carter specifically asked about those horses and if they died. hem...haw...hem...haw...finally i went with honesty and when i did he just collapsed in a puddle of tears. this was hard. his empathy is overwhelming sometimes.

no, i have not changed things. the letter between the t and the u on this computer doesn't work. can't write a thing. adverbs are tough. waiting for the new computer to arrive.

but--as an aside, gourmet magazine is defunct. defunct. finished. gone. i did not know this. this seems impossible to believe. i know journalism is changing, but gourmet? geez.

i know i have not written very much. this is due to a variety of factors. first, we are ridiculously busy--we had the bazaar, getting ready for christmas, ava's skating competition (2 gold medals, 1 silver, and 1 bronze), and a crazy circuit of colds through the family members. but also (and this is where the blog gets a little introspective in a slightly cloying way), i just have not felt like it. i mean, i love to write, blah blah blah, and i love to maintain a record of the kid's childhoods, but there is something that i want to change about it. the blog that is. and well, also my life. problem is, i am not entirely sure exactly what i am planning on changing. something. so, my unarticulated plan is to bring the mommy statistics to a close at the end of 09, and start something new for 2010. i am not exactly ready to say why or what it will be, and perhaps that is not the point. but i do know that i am really ready for a change.

on that note, i had better finish 09 with panache, eh?

hmmm...panache. not feeling panache-y though. feeling pretty under the weather, frankly. i am proud of myself for finishing the christmas decorations, and not letting them languish. turns out we had planty of decorations from last year's art bonanza, and so this year's glitter pine cones, felt trees, and finger knitted garland (VERY COOL), made the tree look superb. ava hung red bows along the tops of the curtains and taped up glittery snowflakes on the wall. then --drum roll please -- i made a wreath! woo hoo! we had all sorts of extra branches from trimming the tree to fit the window box, and i had a wreath frame and wire, and ta da! a wreath. i have been planning on that for years. given that they are crazy expensive -- nearly as much as the tree -- i just could not get over the nagging urge to do it myself. and it really did not take long at all. cool part was, all 3 kids enjoyed having a pile of greens on the floor--each child played with them in different ways and the littlest one never bothered to try and eat them. same thing with other natural materials like yarn and fabric and paper. but put a plastic toy in front of her? boom. straight in the mouth. it is pretty interesting.

i have done next to no baking for the holidays though. it is early i suppose. not sure what we will do for that, or for christmas eve dinner. honestly, i would love to go out. i know that is blasphemous, but i don't really want to cook. i want to relax. this is the newest issue for me. i used to love to cook. i had time to take my time, and the results were pretty decent. now, i don't really like to cook, primarily because i am usually fretting over the mess and wondering if the baby will be quiet so i can clean it up, and simultaneously fielding requests from all 3 kids, completely distracting me and all i can think is "fast fast fast--get this done and in the oven or on the table." not surprisingly, the end product is never that great. and even when i think it is pretty good, the kids never like it. the one exception would be the baking that i do with carter. usually that is pretty good. but really, how hard is it to make decent oatmeal or chocolate chip cookies?

i am plowing my way through many novels that have been on my shelf for YEARS. i cannot believe that i have not read them. so excellent. 'a history of the world in 10 1/2 chapters' by julian barnes, 'the translator' by someone else, 'anil's ghost' by michael ondajjte (or however you spell his name--the guy who wrote the english patient), and something else. also plowed through 'nurture shock' by po bronsen -- thank you grandma. everyone must read it. i want all of the teachers to read it. but my goal is to get through my shelf of of unread books. make space for more!

anna is refining her skills. she spent a full 15 minutes opening and closing her hand to herself--watching her fist open and close, as if she were waving. she also is shaking her head "no." this is good.

carter is thrilled--the mountain is open. he and dad are skiing in the rain today. and ava is not happy with school. as usual. winter stikes and she doesn't want to go. 4th year in a row. sigh. but she is learning like a sponge. well i guess that is a stupid metaphor, since sponges don't learn. she is soaking up knowledge and skills like a sponge. that's a bit better.

the christmas bazaar is over. thank god. we can think now. so busy. ava has a competition this weekend, but carter is sick and i am worried that she is going to get it just in time for that.

anna is petrified of the kitchen aid mixer. did i mention that? just in time for baking season.

in fact, she is easily frightened these days. getting more aware.

carter and i made lemon poppyseed cookies today. mmmmm. accidentally overdid it on the butter by 1/2 cup. oops. not exactly a problem.